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The Original 'Houston, we've got a problem '
by Julie Michaelson
09/04/07
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[Author's note: I know there's a
'Humor' category, but it just
doesn't suit me. Anyhow,
this is Jewish humor; it's different.]


When Pharaoh drew near,
the people of Israel
lifted their eyes,
and behold,
the Egyptians were marching
after them;
and they were in great fear......

The Lord said to Moses,
Why do you cry to Me?
Tell the people of Israel
to move forward!
[Exodus 14:10-15]
******************************
"Hey, LORD?"

[SILENCE]

"LORD? LORD!"

"What is it, Moses.
What's goin' on."

"Eh.......hey, uh.....Lord?"

"Yeah; what."

(whisper)
"Lord, I don't wanna'
be, like, a nay-sayer
or nothin'.......but..."

"What.
Speak up, Moses."

(louder whisper)
"Well, eh.......I don't
wanna' say nothin'
but.....I don't think
Your plan's workin'
too well, Lord."

"What do you mean, Moses."

"Eh......hey, listen, Lord;
should I go get my
brother, Aaron, to tell
'Ya about this? He's got, like,
WAY more panaash."

"Uh, uh.
I want to hear it from My servant,
Moses."

"Oh.
(thoughtful silence)
Yeah; that's me, huh."

[SOLEMN NOD.]

"Well, eh.......everybody's
real upset, right now, Lord."

"I can see that.
Tell them to get their
butts in gear."
[PATIENT SILENCE]

"HEY, GUYS!
THE LORD SAYS TO
GIT' YOUR BUTTS
IN GEAR!
(lots of murmuring)
Hey, Lord?"

"Yeah, Moses."

(whisper)
"Eh, Lord.....they're
not listenin' to me......
Maybe, if YOU
could say sometin'."

[PATIENT SILENCE]
"Where's your rod, Moses."

"You mean this walking stick, Lord?
'Ya know, Lord,
I was thinkin' about tossing this out,
and gettin' a new one."

"Why, My illustious servant."

"Well, it's really sorta'
dirty, what with the desert and all.
Plus, I've gotten a couple of
splinters in my thumb from it.
(holds up right thumb)
See, Lord?"

[SOLEMN NOD.]

"Couldn't You, like, make me
a much better one: somethin'
a little fancier?"

"Uh, uh.
Now, lift it up.
[SILENCE]
No; not your thumb, Moses:
the rod."

"What: are You gonna'
turn it into a snake, again, Lord?
I donno' know, Lord.
I think that might
just scare the people, more."

[SIGH.]
"NO, MOSES.
LIFT UP THE STICK,
AND STRETCH OUT
YOUR HAND!"

"Okay, Lord.
(silence)
Now what."

"IS IT TOWARD THE SEA, MOSES?"

"Uh, uh.
I stuck it at Aaron's head,
and just poked 'im in the eye."

[MORE PATIENT SILENCE.]

"Okay, Lord.
I got it pointed, right.
Now what."

"Divide it, Moses."

"Divi' what, Lord."

"The waters."

"What water.
(silence)
(more murmuring)
You mean THIS, Lord?
Uh, uh!
No WAY!"

[SIGH.]
"JUST DO IT, MOSES!"

"Can't You make my brother,
Aaron, do it, Lord?
Come ON!
Why do I have to do
EVERYTHING?"

"'CUZ.
I SAID so."

(frown)
"Hey, LORD?
I see that cloud of Yours
MOVIN'! WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN, LORD?"

"YOU'LL see."
*******************************
Then the angel of God.....
moved and went behind them;
and the pillar of cloud ....moved.....
coming between the host of Egypt
and the host of Israel.....
Then Moses stretched out his hand
over the sea;
and the Lord drove the sea back
by a strong east wind all night........
[Exodus 14:19-21]


(To my sister,
love, j.)



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