FOR FUN Annual Newsletter From The Absolute Worst Family In America
Dear Friends & Family Who Need A Life,
I almost forgot about you all, "The Little People" as Henry calls you, what with everything going on. Let me tell about our youngest son Billy -- BOY can HE work the government system! That nagging injury he got a work with on his toe he's been able to get disability from both work and the government as WELL as file for unemployment. TRIPLE DIPPING! I knew that boy had it in him!
Our oldest boy Chet has still got his highway offramp panhandling spot just before Sunnyvale Street, where they back up at the light and give lots of money. He was able to swipe both the leg braces AND steel arm crutches from a cripple at the downtown shelter so now he REALLY looks the part of the homeless/helpless. YOU GO CHET! He's still looking for a dog, though, since the other one died in the heatwave. Whew! Wasn't that a scorcher???!
Jenny has just trapped herself a man by threatening a paternity suit -- his name is Howard or Dirk or something. Hopefully he won't ask for a DNA test and just give her support money since it really is from her previous "beau" who got himself a fancy schmancy lawyer. THAT one was certainly a throwback! Good riddance to "Mr. Lawyerman" hello "Howard" ...or "Dirk" or whatever.
We're doing just fine, Henry is running his e-mail scams in-between watching football games (or baseball, or hockey, or golf...he's ALWAYS watching T.V. that rascal!) and got access to SIX bank accounts in ONE MONTH! He keeps telling me he's going to take me out some night to celebrate once he scores some meth! We owe some money to loan sharks, too, but they can wait a bit longer don't you think? ;^)
I'm still blackmailing a Senator from our "Chicago Fact Finding Trip" together, so the second income is pretty steady, although if things go badly with the ethics committee and the discretionary funds there is a possibility for a BOOK DEAL (!). Won't THAT be exciting! Larry King here I come! Still doing some "gardening" although the DEA is starting to sniff around a bit more, and Henry thinks our pool maintanence man who comes by once a month is undercover FBI! Wowee!
Well, that's all from this neck of the woods. Hope you can try to measure up (ha!). As Henry sez: "One way or another, we're going to wind up famous!" How 'bout THAT?!!
Ta Ta For Now!
Henry & Eunice
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LOL. Scary but funny. ;-)