I am handing in my resignation. . .it is not because I don't believe in you. . .it is the simple fact I keep failing
each way I turn. . .I can't be loving all the time. . .there are to many doubts in my mind. . .I have made a real moron out of myself. . .I can't handle the battle that is going on. Maybe I am just a coward or something. . .All I know is I am having to face things that I thought were totally behind me but now they are all up in my face. The grief is to much the pain is to hard. For the past few days all I have felt is this earth crushing heart break. I've cried till there is no more tears left.
Simply I just don't quailify as a soldier. . .I hear your word and I read it but I get so distracted at times that I don't, I think about praying but it takes an actual force to do so . . .
Don't get me wrong I am very thankful for what you have done for a speck of dust like me. . but by all measures I am not worthy of it neither can I honestly carry on. I lack faith not that I don't believe you can move mountains and crush the thickest walls. . .it is just I can't get over myself two foggy seconds.
My relationships with others are struggling, my repentance towards those who have wronged me seems to have come to nought cause every time I turn around there is something there that rubs me the wrong way.
I can't get up without being knock back down.
And all i see around me is suffering just suffering!
And to top that all off if that isn't enough my mind likes to venture off into the dead zone were all I want to do is die just die.
So Jesus I am sorry to let you down but I can't go on any longer in this fight. Please forgive me and understand.
My Beautiful Child
I am sorry to hear that you feel this way. But sit for a minute and lets talk. . .My Dearest Child you are going about this all the wrong way. Number one you think that you are the one that is suppose to have the power to control these things. Here is the truth. . .I am the way, the truth, and the life. . .Let me explain. . .the road your on I have done traveled matter of fact I paved it with my own blood, the truth is you can not walk it alone and you are not alone for it is by MY strength that you are able to go on not of your own, and the life which I give is eternal, but understand that life upon earth is hard it is rough and there are many trials and tribulations and alot of suffering. Rather you walk away from me or not you will still have to face this life.
Number two my dear child understand I did not give you a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. Yes you do have to face enemies but can I let you in on something actually it is a reminder. . .have you read the end of my book the bible? You see the enemy has already been conquered I have already won that victory over him. he is the true coward and in the end he will perish. The truth is my child you can't face him alone but you do have me and GREATER AM I than he.
Now lets talk about your heart. . .I have seen every pain that has happen to you. . .I was there when you were rejected, I was there when you were misused, i was there in the darkness when you were scared, I was there when you were hungry and tired, I was there when you felt betrayed, I was there when those hurtful words started eating at the fabric of your hope, I was there when you turned away and ran down that lonely dead end road, I was there when you sedated yourself so many times, I was there when you were shaking your fist at me in anger, I was there when you tried on several occassions to kill yourself, I know your deepest pain. . .I am not blind nor deaf to that. But my child you are going to have to let go of all those things they are truly over with they are in the past. When I saved you I was not late in coming whatsoever. I was right on time. All the things you have been through true enough you could have turned away and come to me sooner but you had to come to a point to where you really realized that you needed saving that you needed help and the very truth of it is you had to come to realize who I AM. . .I did not create you for you to live a hopeless life. Instead I give you hope. . .
Do you want to know something before a flower becomes a flower it is nothing more than a seed. But you see there is a struggle for that seed to grow. It has to die in the earth so that it can sprout. . .the roots grow and then the bud itself starts breaking through the barrier of the ground. Once it goes through that the flower begans to bloom and what a splender it is. . .you see you are my flower I love you with an undying love I will give you beauty for ashes. . .
For through your weakness is my strength. Right now you are growing roots this process can be painful but the truth is it is worth it in the end. . .I know I wrote the book. . .
Now you can continue to rely on yourself and live according to yourself that is your choice but there are many consquences to that choice. . .but if you want to ever live the life I intended for you a life of love, joy, hope and peace even amongst the storms that come upon you, then my dear child you are going to have to TRUST ME. . .Have faith in me. .. I can handle whatever it is you are facing I have no problem with that. . .Don't give up my child you have come along ways since those days in bondage. Don't look back keep looking forward. Just know that I love you more than you can measure.
With all my love
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Nikki, HE never fails or forsakes us. The words you write here that tell us that, write them in your heart - that is where they came from. The spirit of the living God is in you.
How easy it is to give up on life and Our Lord! So many do and all they need to do is LOVE OUR LORD! This is a great tool for those who feel like a failure and don't want to go on. Keep on writing for, Jesus! Blessings, Susan