When life comes to an end while the child is still young, parents go into a various ups and downs. We just don’t know which way is up. Life seems to be just a vague impression. We are in this God forsaken nightmare where we just can’t wake up to snap ourselves out of this vivid dream. Yet when we do wake up we realize that it wasn’t just a dream that our child is actually gone. No matter how prepared we think we are we just aren’t ready to deal with death no matter what age they are.
It has been close to eleven years since Mark’s and my daughter was called home to glory. If Cyndy was still here she would be twenty-two on Oct.30th. There are different mile stones as the years goes by. This year will be the age she was when she left here. We look back and there is sorrow but also when she has been ill before she passed we feel relief. We know that she has been healed of all her ailments. There is nothing that can hurt her now.
Still we would take our child no matter what condition she is in. Even if it meant that we would be pressured to care for her through out the day and night without sleep we would take her as is. We don’t care that we would be placing ourselves right where the child is. We just want our child back. I know that I just begged and cried for the Lord to just make Cyndy come back. I know now that if I could have wished or prayed Cyndy back here she would be very angry with me after experiencing life in Heaven knowing that she is normal and has no pain. Cyndy would not want to come back here where she isn’t able to talk to where in Heaven she speaks and is praising God.
Mark and I sensed a very touching and thankful heart when we think about all the support we had when Cyndy passed away. Her doctors were all very supportive to us during the crises and even now they are there to help us. Many people know that I have been writing a book with Cyndy’s neurologist, Dr. Larry E. White. It has been seven long years that we have been writing and the book is finally close to being completed. Many trials and errors have come along our way but we know with out a doubt that God will continue to bless us long the way and even after we have finished the book. We have seen many blessings along with growth in our walk with Christ. We have seen healing come to our hearts as we have written the book. It has brought joy to us along with tears and memories of yesteryear. Dr. White, Mark and I are and will remain close for many years to come.
Thinking back almost eleven years I remember the office visit with Dr. White when he had to tell me that the horror of a night-mare will come true in the next few months. I knew the seriousness of his suspicions when he had turned away for a moment then turned back with tears streamed down his cheeks. I really didn’t want to believe him but I knew too that he was not one to lie to me. I knew also that Cyndy was one of Dr. White’s special children that he would have tried moving Heaven and Earth to keep her a live.
Dr. White had his own fears and thoughts when it came to Cyndy passing away. He would have tried to stop it from happening if he was there. Yet the Lord was very merciful that Cyndy didn’t pass on his watch. If it had been one week before, he would have been the one to have gotten the call that she had left us behind. Some of his feelings reflected thoughts of the past with her coming close to death but some how pulling through. Here in his words were some of the things that circled his brain when he first heard about Cyndy’s death.
When I heard that Cyndy had been found dead in her bed, it revived memories of the near miss events she had had years earlier, and raised all the questions that we had sorted through before. Had she been sick? Was it SUDS? Aspiration? Smothering? We had been checking blood levels and blood tests and they were acceptable, she hadn’t had any fevers, and I knew that her family had been watchful. Perhaps it was just meant to be. After all those years it was good bye.
Over the years, I had begun following her brothers as well, and we had welcomed three new Harrells—I knew the family would be devastated. Her funeral was as stressful as I knew it would be, and I was worried about the mental health of her mom. As I met family members and church members, I noticed that all her pediatric doctors were there, and they wanted to do something for her that I had not seen nor heard of until then—we all served as her pallbearers. Of the few memories I have of that day, the most vivid one is how heavy that coffin was—Cyndy had always been so light to carry; no trouble at all, really until I realized that it wasn’t the coffin that was heavy; it was my heart.
In spite of all that grief that day, I tried to look on the positive side. I believe that in the hereafter I will meet every person I have taken care of that has gone before me and that they will know by seeing into my heart that without exception I always did my very best for them--anything less would not be right for them or for me. So for me, guilt and suspicion had to give way to faith and hope. I knew that in the sweet bye-and-bye Cyndy was talking up a storm, running all over the place without falling, and basically having the time of her afterlife. Joshua 1:9
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
Therefore, I knew she was just fine, but she had a family that was not. Her passing had left a hole that would probably never be completely fixed—but no one knew that what would happen next would literally drive a tank through it.
The day of her home coming came without us being ready for her to leave us behind. Life just could not be any more painful then to realize that Cyndy as we knew her was gone. Her life really had just begun. I had night-mares nightly about different ways that she left and went to Heaven. Many of them were fears of how Mark and I feared that she would be taken away from here. But God was and is very gracious to us when we think about how she passed on. Cyndy died in her sleep in the bed with her little sister and baby brother. She was not alone. I think Cyndy would have wanted to go in the still of the night as she did. We were told it was a very peaceful death. Dr. White and I both wish that the book we are writing would have been more on Cyndy still being a live and not yet in Heaven, but that just was not God’s will. When we have finished our lives here on this earth we know that we will see the Lord and with Him will be Cyndy.
Written By: Larry E. White, MD.
Anne H. Harrell
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