by Christian Coutts
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Not For Sale
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Lord, You feel so far away
Because I have gone astray
Lately I have not put You first
Now lying in the valley I thirst
I have stepped into my enemy’s snare
My soul is vexed, filled with despair
I reach out a trembling hand
Help me to my knees, so I can stand
Rescue me again from my flesh
Renew my spirit and make me fresh
Consumed by waves, I am tossed
Restore me, for I have become lost
Nothing can pluck me from Your hand
On this promise, on My Rock I will stand
You are my strength when I am weak
It is You that I desperately seek
A space has formed between us
So I again seek You, Faithful and Just
Into my heart darkness has crept
By this gale I have been swept
Losing my focus, I have gone astray
Now I need You more this day
My flesh and spirit are at war
Now I swim for Your peaceful shore
Lord, You feel so far away
Help me return is what I pray
Once again Your Word is proved
It is not You, but I who moved
Brothers and Sisters,
Have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff, feeling the ground crumble beneath your feel? That is how it feels right now. I can see above and I can see below, yet I feel powerless to move away from the ledge. I am in the enemy’s territory trying to face him on my own; through my own strength and devices…I am losing.
Without excuse I have not been living up to a standard that I have set for myself as a Christian. I am not glorifying God with my words, my deeds, or my attitude. Pride has roared its ugly head with anger, no rage, for a companion. I have slipped and fallen. I have stumble and staggered. Buried under burdens of my own making, I feel defeated and beat. This is aiding the enemy who adds guilt and shame on top of these burdens.
I feel far from God, tempted to cry out “Eloi, Eloi, Lama sabachthani?” as the Lord did on the cross. “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” But who am I to cry such. This is such a powerful part of Scripture that I memorized this verse. It is this verse that shows me light in the darkness. It is this that I have come to cling to and through this verse my revelation.
How can I cry out “why have your forsaken me?” when it is promised that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I have consulted my Pastor and my friend on some of my hearts burdens. They have given me some Scripture and some advice as only elders and leaders can at times. They led me to Job, James, and Revelation.
Here is the hope. Jesus who paid the price once and for all has already cried this out. Jesus was removed from God at that point bearing the full cost of these sins and sinful thoughts, feelings, and ideas. These sins too are covered under the precious Blood of the Lamb.
I wrote this today with a pain that only a suffering heart can manage, yet even in this dark poem, you see the light. I know that My Father is there and has not move. I know that it is I who has moved. When you are lost, first you must acknowledge that you are lost (yes, even guys must admit this). Second, you must find out where you are currently located. Third, you must identify how to get back on the path. Finally, you must put that all important foot forward back in the right direction. I am moved…it was me who put the distance between us…it is me who must move back towards Him.
Guilt and shame has been preventing me from prayer and study. Guilt and shame has introduced a feeling long forgotten…hopelessness. So today, I take that step back in the right direction. I choose to get up from the ground and onto my knees to pray. This lesson has been painful and I am not through it yet, but I have a renewed hope.
Thank you to those who have helped with advice and prayer. Thank you for those who just pray when they are feeling led to prayer. Thank you all.
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So often we turn from God and wonder how it happened! But He is faithful and merciful, and His arms are always open. Like the prodigal son, He will welcome you back home, and not only that, but will give you a mansion, because you ARE His son, and He is the King....Well all turn away, but we all have His grace, because He is a good and loving God. You arwe in my prayers.
I think some times when we are around some Christians we begin to feel as though we are the only ones that fall or stumble, their lives seem so perfect, they always have the right words to say at the right moments, but those I admire most are those who admit they are human. Dispite having Christ in our lives we still have this sin nature. Those who admit that they struggle. Those who act like they have a perfect Christian walk are fooling themselves! We all have thoughts of pride, covetness, etc... Thank you for sharing your heart. We have all been there and we can support those going through struggles because we now have the experience and know how they feel. Christ is strengthening you he is growing roots deep with in your heart. Love Danette
Christian, I see signs here you have heeded my words of encouragement to you privately. My heart rejoices in that revelation. God will defeat satan in your life. Continue to resist satan, and he will continue to flee. You are precious to all of us who believe in God, and do not forget that. We are praying for you, and those prayers are sincere. God is aware, and He knows your anguish. Let Him have all of your heart, and He will give you strength you do not have of your own. Regardless of the let downs you may receive from some who are supposed to be leaders, God will not and cannot let you down. I pray God will hold you real tight, my good friend.
Christian, without having read any of the many comments at the bottom of this article, I want to add comments of my own. I was touched by your very honest confession of having fallen away from the Lord. Haven't we all! But I am glad to detect in reading further that you have "MOVED" back to His shelter and forgiveness. My heart hurt for you as I read this confession. I could feel your pain. But at least you have admitted that God is reaching out for you, waiting with open arms for you to return. And you have! I have a friend who says God hates him. This is so sad, and this man says ge is a Christian too. How can any of us say that God hates us? That would be like saying He died for nothing. Oh, Christian, I am so glad you shared this article. May God bless you. You have said what many of us feel at times...Helen
Oh, Christian - you are precious in the sight of our Savior. If you weren't posing a threat, the enemy would not be fighting so hard for you to fall. The enemy you fight knows exactly Who you belong to! On the Cross, Jesus had to be forsaken by the Father because He cannot look on sin which Jesus bore for our sakes so that the Promise that WE would never be left or forsaken could be ever-fulfilled. Therein lies the depth of His Love and sacrifice for us. These 3 articles of mine came to mind as I read through yours - 'Lost and Found'; 'Quiet Time'; 'Handprints' - all three deal with times of lonliness, struggle and the journey that brings us into the Presence of God. I hope they will offer some encouragement. Blessings Always! Jody
Christian I am not sure what's going on but I do know God is with you. Even when you think He has turned His back on you. He is there with his arms open wide. When you ask God forgiveness, forget about it. Sometimes dwelling on it will cause you to do it again. The best thing to do is focus on God and not yourself. When you focus on God alone, you see your deliverance coming. God loves you and so do I. Remember Christian this season will past. Smile! Your sister in Christ, Patricia
For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the LORD, thought of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end (hope and future). Then shall ye call upon me and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and FIND ME, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. And I will be found of you, saith the LORD; and I will turn away your captivity, and I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places whither I have driven you, saith the LORD; and I will bring you again into the place when I caused you to be carried away captive. He will bring you home again, Dear Brother. Just Believe. Loving and praying for you and your sweet family. In Christ, Julia