Humor
I’ve got the Bug!
by Dorothy Bentley
It’s official. I caught the bug on Monday this week. The spring cleaning bug that is.
I don’t actually like to clean. I know I know… it’s a shocker. Don’t most women love to vacuum and fold laundry? I recall washing the floor, as a newlywed in our first apartment, more than once a week. I no longer suffer from boredom. No, what I’m talking about is a seasonal affliction.
I’m washing curtains, vacuuming stalactites from the ceiling, killing dust bunnies, beating door mats.
Friends with allergies will be relieved.
The dog is worried.
My children think I’ve lost my marbles. They don’t know the rhythms of mothers well yet. But my husband does. He just stays out of the way.
When our dog hears the vacuum, she gets up from wherever she is slumbering in the house and curls up at the back door. Smart pooch.
Someone should design a self-dusting house. How difficult could it be? A good strong whirl-wind fan in each room; filters over all the air ducts; the young one strapped into a safety seat with a three-point harness; flying clothing and loose papers getting sucked up into a catch-all reservoir. The family would always know where to look for that piece of important mail or sock they left laying around.
One of the much needed tasks this week was cleaning the fridge. When the contents were emptied onto the island, my son counted 53 bottles. Among them were 13 bottles of salad dressing. Only three had expired. Now I know why my family look in the fridge for what seems an eternity, and then declare “There’s nothing to eat.” They haven’t learned to combine condiments to create interesting snacks. With 50 choices, there must be hundreds of possibilities. All that’s required is an imagination and a straw: “Hmmm… doesn’t that oyster sauce, lime juice, Dijon mustard, Caesar dressing, and hotdog relish look appetizing? It’s only a little bit lumpy going up the straw.”
I love delegating jobs to my offspring. One, not naming any names, does the work with meticulous gusto, going above and beyond my expectations. The other one has selective hearing and procrastinates until I decide it’s easier to do it myself. I am trying to train it out of him in sympathy for his future wife, but I think it’s genetic. And the little one? If I manage to get him to stop spreading Lego in the room in which I’m working, I have won a small victory. Do yourself a favour. If your child is too young to own any Lego as of yet, do not allow it into your house. Duplo is wonderful, but Lego… Don’t be fooled by its earnest appearance on the store shelves; and don’t listen to its whispered promises of hours to yourself while your little darlings are enraptured in creative bliss. Remember: not only does it go together, but it comes apart. And each little sharp-edged piece finds its cruel way where you will undoubtedly walk on it. At the most unexpected times. Like when you are trying to clean the ceiling with the vacuum nozzle suspended above your head.
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