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Biff
by Fred N. Lee
05/03/07
Not For Sale
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Biff

During the early 1980's the "in thing" was to own a Pot-bellied Pig. Pot-bellied Pigs were cute (in the eyes of some beholders) little pets that didn't take up a lot of space and could be easily house broken, that is, to some extent. They could be bathed in the family bathtub if you so desired and for a very short period of time ceased to smell like a pig.

My brother-in-law lived just outside of Houston, TX in a small bedroom community called Channelview. He and his wife were fortunate enough to live just a couple of housed down the block from my mother-in-law. During this time my brother-in-law (lets call him Donnie) acquired a pot-bellied pig and named him Biff. Biff soon became just part of the family. Donnie even made a swinging doggie door in the back porch door so Biff could come and go as he pleased. He pretty much had the run of the place except for the bedroom where Donnie and his wife slept. His wife put her foot down and said, "ain't no stinking pig going to sleep in my bedroom. Donnie fashioned a doggie collar on Biff and could be seen early in the morning taking Biff out for a stroll along the road in front of his house. Each morning Donnie would walk Biff down to Granny's house for a short visit. Granny seemed to enjoy Biffs visit although she never got friendly enough to actually reach down and pet him.

My brother-in-law was a contractor for Sears at this time installing washing machines, dryers, dishwashers, etc. During his often visit to the Sears store at Channelview he mentioned that he had a pot-belled pig named Biff. Naturally the girls working in the office wanted him to bring Biff in so they could see him. This is when the trouble began.

Donnie loaded Biff in his pickup truck and headed out for Sears. It was Biffs MO to set in Donnie's lap and look out the window while riding down the road. As the ole saying goes "this wasn't his first rodeo". Donnie had bought a cowboy hat that he would put on Biff when they were out riding in his pickup truck and on the occasion they would walk down to visit Granny. Donnie said that since they lived in Texas that Biff needed to look like a cowboy. All the women folk seemed to think that he was cute with his cowboy hat on.

They were on Beltway 8 with Biff setting in Donnie's lap with his little hooves resting on the open window looking out at passing autos as if he owned the world. Everything would have been ok except a trucker started to pass, saw Biff looking out the window at him (wearing a cowboy hat) and the trucker came down on the train whistle which he had installed in his truck. The sudden loud noise startled Biff, he became hysterical, and tried to jump out the window. As Donnie pulled him back inside, the cowboy hat fell down over Biffs eyes and nose, causing him to get more excited. Donnie finally got his pickup truck over on the shoulder of the road, raised the window, and tried to calm Biff. However, by this time Biff had done and "indiscretion" in Donnie's lap, all over the front seat and even on top of the dashboard of his pickup truck. Donnie spent the next hour at a car wash trying to clean the inside of his pickup. By this time Biff was back to normal although he wouldn't wear the cowboy hat anymore. The girls at Sears never got to see Biff.

I don't know what happened to Biff after that incident on Beltway 8. I do know that the next time we went to see Granny she seemed to have an enormous amount of bacon to cook for breakfast.



If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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