by william price
Not For Sale
Author requests article critique
Not For Sale
Author requests article critique
Their wrinkled hands held each other tight as their jet plummeted towards earth.
“I love you, Sweetie.” Harold’s voice quivered as he spoke.
“I love you too, Pickle Breath.” Gertrude tried to smile.
“We’re about to die, and the last thing you’re going to call me is pickle breath?”
“I’m sorry, Harold. I was just remembering our first meeting at the church picnic.”
“Shouldn’t we be praying or something, and not talking about some goofy picnic?”
“It wasn’t goofy to me. I still can smell your breath. It was so sweet and tart. You’re smile just melted my heart. I knew I was in love.”
Harold closed his eyes and gave his wife a kiss on the cheek.
“That was a special moment. I knew I loved you too. But, I wished I wouldn’t have just eaten those darn pickles. They had too much garlic or something.”
“Those were my pickles, Harold. And they didn’t have too much garlic. They won the blue ribbon, remember?”
“Not really. I just remember your eyes, freckles and how white your teeth were.”
“Are you afraid, Harold?”
“Not of dying, I’m just going to miss the warmth of your hand and your gentle touch.”
“We’ll still be holding hands in Heaven, Harold.”
As their jet began to level off the couple began to loosen their grip on each other’s hands.
“What do you suppose just happened, Gert?”
“I think God felt it wasn’t time for us to be holding hands in Heaven yet.”
“Yes, Pickle Breath.”
“My chest hurts a little.”
“What do you mean, Harold?” Gertrude’s voice began to shake.
“Stewardess, quick, my husband.”
Harold slumped over in his seat. His wife leaned him back and found he was still breathing. A doctor on board the jet began to check on Gertrude’s husband.
“Harold, you cannot die, you hear me man-of-mine. You cannot die.”
Gertrude bowed her head and began to pray.
Harold’s eyes opened and he looked over at his wife. His voice was weak, but clear.
“What are you doing, Gert. When we both were dying you were being funny, now when it’s just me, you go to praying.”
“I don’t mind dying with you, husband. But, I’m not going to live without you.”
“I want one of your pickles.”
“Well, I have some waiting at the house, old man. You just keep breathing and I’ll feed you the whole jar.”
“It’s a deal. Hey, and guess what?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Pickle Breath.”
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I saw the title and couldn't resist reading it -- awesome story -- I could see this being done as a skit in church...or at the church picnic!
Your story made me smile. Thanks.
What great use of almost all dialog to develop this story and make us know and love your characters. The only thing I'd suggest is showing more, rather than telling, in the 3rd bit of narration, that starts "Harold slumped over.." I really enjoyed this - such heart! Adding it to my favorites.
Soooo ... they better have made it home Bill. What a fantastic read! Really good Bill - really good.
Wonderful -absolutely wonderful! I'm so glad I stumbled on to it! Always loved your writing style:)
What a great "first read of my day"! I agree with above commenters, your writing style is delightful and intriguing. Pickle Breath is a great study, for me, in dialogue. I see how character's can be developed by their conversation. Glad your work is being showcased, Bill.
Sir William, you are a prince! I love this story! I caught the title on the showcase and had to read it. I'm still smiling. Blessings, Cheri
What a wonderful piece, Bill. I loved every word from beginning to end. Absolutely delightful. :)
A delightful story, your ability to make your characters real and jump right off the page is amazing. I really enjoyed this great story.
Hiya, Bill-- I'm going to feature this piece for the Front Page Showcase for the week of May 7. Look for it on FaithWriters home page!
I was in tears while I read this piece. Adorable, delightful and memorable. God has blessed you with the ability to lift hearts. Thanks for lifting mine. Bless you my friend.
Charming and sweet. You definitely made the characters endearing, and I loved the humor.
Such a sweet, refreshing story, loveable characters and believable dialog. You have a delightful imagination, SirWilliam. Do keep blessing us with these stories! And, thanks for adding a smile to my day.
Loved the gentle humour of this little love story. We need more of this!