STOP BEING SO RELIGIOUS
A VERY DEVOUT, SINCERE, AND QUITE RELIGIOUS WOMAN WENT ON A BOAT TRIP TO GET AWAY AND QUIETLY HAVE SOME WORSHIP TIME ALONE WITH THE CREATOR. SHE SAID OH GOD, HOW GREAT IS YOUR NAME! YOU ALONE ARE WORTHY TO BE PRAISED. SHE TOOK IN THE SOOTHING SOUNDS OF THE WIND BLOWING PAST HER BOAT. SHE NOTICED THE BRIGHTEST BLUE SKY, THE STILLNESS OF THE WATER, AND THE TRANQUILITY OF THE BABY BIRDS CHIRPING ABOUT.
WITHOUT HESITATION, WITH A HUGE SPLASH, MARY- ANN PLUNGED DOWN INTO THE DEEP COLD WATERS. OH LORD SHE CRIED, OH LORD, I CANT SWIM! SOMEBODY HELP ME SHE SHOUTED! HER VERY LIFE STORY WENT THROUGH HER EYES IN A SPLIT MATTER OF SECONDS. AFTER A FEW SECONDS IN THE DEEP COLD WATER FEAR HAD GRIPPED HER BODY.
SHE REMEMBERED HER FAITH! SHE SHOUTED NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER. LORD YOU ARE MY RESCUE, MY SALVATION! SHE STARTED FEELING CONFIDENT AS SHE STRUGGLED TO STAY ABOVE WATER. HELP ME LORD JESUS SHE ROARED! ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE SAW A SMALL MAN IN A REDISH ORANGE CANOE. HE SAID, "LADY GRAB MY HAND I'LL SAVE YOU." REACH UP AND GRAB MY HAND! SHE LOOKED AT THE LITTLE MAN AND SAID NO! THE MAN WAS SHOCKED! SHE SAID I HAVE FAITH IN MY LORD JESUS CHRIST AND IT IS IN HIM I PUT MY TRUST SO I SHALL NOT BE ASHAMED, IT IS HE WHO WILL SAVE ME! SO THE LITTLE MAN WENT ON.
AFTER A WHILE A LADY ON A SPEED BOAT JETTED UP TO HER AND SAID LADY GRAB ON MY ANKLES AND I WILL SPEED YOU TO SAFETY AND SURELY YOU WILL BE SAVED! MARY THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND AS SHE WAS DOGGY PADDLING FEVERISHLY TO STAY ABOVE WATER; SHE TOLD THE LADY I BELIEVE THAT GOD IS ABLE TO DO ABOVE ALL THAT I HAVE ASKED HIM TO DO. HE IS ABLE TO DO EXEEDINGLY, ABUNDANTLY ABOVE ALL I ASK HIM TO DO! IT IS HIM IN WHOM I PUT MY TRUST. GOD WILL NOT FAIL ME! HE HASNT FAILED ME YET!!! THE LADY REPLIED TO MARY, "YOU ARE CRAZY WOMAN! FINE BUT I AM GOING TO CALL FOR THE COASTGUARD!"
AFTER ABOUT THREE MORE MINUTES THE COASTGUARD ARIVED TO SEE MARY, AND HER FAVORITE LITTLE BROWN BIBLE FLOATING IN THE WATER.
MINUTES LATER MARY WAS IN HEAVEN IN FRONT OF THE LARGEST THRONE SHE HAD EVER SEEN! AFTER THE REJOICING DIED DOWN GOD SAID MARY WHAT HAPPENED DOWN THERE! MARY REPLIED, LORD I DONT UNDERSTAND! MY FAITH WAS LARGER THAN A MUSTARD SEED, MY TRUST WAS PLANTED ON A FIRM FOUNDATION, MY EYES WERE LOCKED ON THE BRIGHTNESS AND GLORY OF THE LORD! WHAT DID I DO WRONG!
GOD REPLIED NOTHING! I SENT YOU THE LITTLE MAN IN THE CANOE TO SAVE YOU, AND THE LITTLE LADY ON THE SPEED BOAT TO RESCUE YOU, AND THEN I EVEN SENT THE COASTGUARD!!! IT WAS YOUR FAITH THAT BLINDED YOU!
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Just to reiterate on your other comment here... yes, all-caps is supposed to mean that you're yelling. Well, some people have trouble hearing, huh? hehe. And some people have trouble seeing through those eyes of "faith". Don't they? Very good article, Jared. God always helps us out. We just don't always see the trees for the forest.
Did you know that all capitals is the sound of loud speech? I used it once at work, mind you, just writing, and I got a message back, saying, all capitals means your yelling.