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Smelly Revenge
by Janice Fitzpatrick
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How many of us had embarassing moments happen while we were in the company of stangers? I guess we can be thankful they were people we didn't know but the twang of utter humility has played across my mind too often.

When I was a young mom of a toddler and infant I was able to blame odors that drifted in the air, on them, as I headed quickly to the bathroom, looking around to see if anyone was scrunching their face or wrinkling their nose. "Oh, we better go to the restroom." "Time for a diaper change."

My words were hopefully convincing that this fragrance of dying bugs or rotten eggs was not coming from me. Time to crawl away under one of the revolving clothes racks. Where was Lysol when you needed it?

After a few years I had began to forget the escapade but then a remake of the flick came back with colorful additions. While on a shopping expedition at Target with my son, Jon, almost 6, we decided to take a few minutes and look at the toy section when it hit me.

The feeling of exigency grabbed me and sent chills down my spine. Oh no. I wondered if I would make it to the restroom before anything expelled. Jon was captivated by the shelves of Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, water bombs and squirt guns the size of military warfare.

"Honey, let's go now,"my voice quivered with tones of urgency. Jon had already settled on the floor practically drooling over the Gi-Joes and camouflage squadrons who seemed to be peering at me strangely.

Maybe if I could find an empty lane where no one would be. I turned my head. No such luck. A nicely dressed woman had just come around the corner and was now standing next to my son and I. Mother nature laughed in my face and taunted me with pressure the size of a boiling cooker ready to explode.

With trained control I tried side stepping like a tuxedo dressed penguin nonchalantly directing my steps towards the other side of my son. So much for that. The silence hung in the air like a bat who by now would too be holding it's nose and gasping for air.

I glanced nervously to see if the female shopper had noticed anything peculiar smelling and so far her actions and face seemed impervious, so I gently bent down to whisper in Jon's ear. He ricocheted and grabbed his nose gagging in mock gesture."Gross Mom, you farted, ewww, go to the bathroom!"

My eyebrows wove together like a tightly knitted sock and I formed "shh" on my lips but he just giggled and sprawled out on the floor as if he had just died. I sure wanted to. Even the Gi-Joes were jerking spastically under cellophane as if they had been sprayed with nerve gas.

Standing in horror, I prayed fervently for the rapture to come and I just hoped in heaven that no one would remember my ordeals. Unfortunately, I still remained in the aisle though, with reddened face the shade of ripened berries, probably not as ripe as the scent of one mortified mommy.

I then remembered all of the past times I had been able to charge my children with the offense. I was being paid back in full and now sheepishly stood admonished by my own blue eyed chubby cheeked son. "Let's go,"I helped him to his feet as we pushed the cart past every soldier in green, the woman who stood too close, and my lingering odor.

"Mommy has to go to the bathroom, I confessed. "So do I" He chimed in. Never again would I be able to blame someone else.

"Venegance is mine",sayeth the Lord, came the words I had read from the scriptures many times before. I wondered though if He let my comedian son avenge me this time.I strolled on towards the porcelain throned hideaway and vowed Beano would be my best friend. Where was an infant when you need 'em?

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Member Comments
Member Date
Janice Cartwright 17 Jun 2007
I had to come back again for another lal, look and laugh. This is too funny. Happened to me once on a brand-new job.
Janice Cartwright 14 Jun 2007
Janice you must be the most secure child your Heavenly Father ever adopted! I would love to have written this but know I never would have. It totally made my day!!
Trevas Walker 11 Jun 2007
This article made me lol - and my co worker looked at me like I was half whacked... Great writing... and thank you for your wonderful comments.
lauren finchum 20 Mar 2007
Oh, gosh! This is so funny. I lol so many times. I think this is so funny becasue, well, it happens to everyone. I must say, I usally act like I have no idea what just happened, and look at the other people, like I'm as perplexed as they are. Keep righting.
Lynda Lee Schab  17 Mar 2007
LOL, Janice! Too funny! Kids are a little too honest (and loud) sometimes. :-) Great writing, too. You have a knack for humor writing. Blessings!


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