Understanding must come hard for me. My lessons have been hard. Come to
think of it, my heart has always been what got me in trouble, but one lesson stands
out in particular today.
My grand daughter at 5lbs and 2 weeks of age was quietly deposited in my arms.
I thought it was for the evening, it lasted 3 years. I will tell you that I tried desperately to remember that I was her mother -once -removed. I was her grand
mother and over and over I said, “Remember, she is not your child”. But what
do you do when she’s there 24/7 ? When you do the midnight bottle and change
the diapers, sing the go- to- sleep lullaby, kiss the tiny tears? Unless you are heartless, you fall in love, platonic love (the best kind) for this helpless little soul. And I did.
Then came divorce. Since she was my son’s daughter, and I was convinced we
would both die, the long battle began. A battle I never wanted, but was forced to
after watching for these 3 years. I just want to relate one incident that taught me
a deep truth.
I have always revered God’s love and also wondered at it. One particular trip
for visitation, I had to go alone, and God gave me such a lesson!
We arrived at the home of her maternal grandparents. ( She always fought going
back so hard. We had to run after her and catch her and hold her to get her
in the car.) When we got there she began to cry and beg and hold on to me. Her
mother was present and it infuriated her. She had locked her legs around my waist and fastened her arms around my neck. Her mother grabbed her and pulled her from my body. I hadn’t known a child that small could hold on so tight. Then she spanked her in front of us and carried her into the house. There was a large picture window and this little 3 yr. old ran straight to it. With tears streaming down her face, and tiny arms stretched as far open as they would go she was reaching to the window, eyes fixed on me. I can’t even tell you the pain of those moments.
I got in the car and started home. I couldn’t see to drive. The tears rolled down
my face and I didn’t even wipe them away. My heart was completely broken,
all because of love. We both hurt because we loved each other. I pulled over
several times and then back onto the road.
I can still remember the stretch of road where I began to tell the Lord I just couldn’t
stand it any more. I told Him it was as if every cell in my body was in contractions
like unto birth. I just couldn’t stand it...I loved her so much and then He said,
“I know. That is the way I loved every person in the whole world, everyone that
had lived and everyone that would live......and the only reason I could let My
Son die the death He did.”
Of a sudden, God’s Love was understood by me. He had to be God to hold all
that Love, and all that hurt, only God could do it. I always knew God loved us,
but never before had I understood the depth and greatness - the agony of that tremendous love.
I do not understand why people don’t seek the most pleasant way when there
are divorces and disagreements, for the children are the victims of such terrible
pain. Why anyone wants to add one moment of suffering is more than I will
ever be able to understand, but I do know that right in the midst of a great
heartbreak, God can bring a message home that can’t be misunderstood.
Joan Clifton Costner
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