I was bored, so I dug up this old piece and picked at it. If you too are bored, and would like to offer any suggestions for this piece (i.e. editing suggestions, or maybe a point), please let me know. Also, any ideas for a home for this article?(magazines? men's site? trash bin?).
The Geneva Convention, while monumentally safeguarding the human rights of civilians and combatants the world over, sadly, does not address the most pressing issue facing mankind. The cruelest, most inhumane torture inflicted upon men across the globe.
Greeting card shopping.
Now, itís not enough society forces men into the most unnatural thing for us to do - be thoughtful. But upon entering a greeting card store, weíre tormented with a gazillion choices for our impromptu consideration. Itís kind of like going into Starbucksģ to order a plain coffee.
As I browsed the greeting card isle the other day, I happened upon a procrastinatorís paradise: a section devoted entirely to belated greetings. This came fortuitously for me, because Ė as you might guess Ė I was indeed late.
Itís remarkable how socially acceptable shirking greetings has become. I guess itís a sign of the times, an indictment against our busy society, a sad commentary on our fragmented lives. Either that, or stores just realize the mass market in yours truly.
To most people, belated greetings might not seem that special. For me, they rival popup reminders as the greatest thing since deferred payments. To kindly tell someone you should have thought of them but did not can only be done so warmly through Hallmarkģ. I must admit, though, they seem to be getting carried away. I mean, ďBelated Bar Mitzvah?Ē
Sorry I missed that whole milestone-of-life-becoming-a-man thingÖ
Iím surprised I didnít find a belated get well card.
Sorry I missed your illnessÖ
Or, Gee, I hope you got wellÖ
Of course, you know whatís coming next: Belated belated cards.
Sorry I missed your belated _________, but Iím a habitual goldbrick.
Personally, I think every male should be granted at least one get outta goldbrick free card. Or maybe there should be an amnesty day for men to deliver any card from any occasion and have it still count.
I know itís August, honey, but itís Amnesty Day, so you gotta take my Valentine. Itís the law.
Amnesty International should stand up for oppressed goldbricks everywhere. Whereís Robin Williams and Bono when you need them? Arenít they the same person anyway?
I know what youíre thinking: Itís a pipedream, John; itíll never happen.
Sure, greeting card reform is probably a long way off, but maybe if we men band together, we can bring about change. Letís start a grass roots effort to bring sanity to the greeting card mania. Letís fight for the rights of oppressed men everywhere. Letís become defenders of the downtrodden and advocates for goldbricks across the world.
Letís extinguish this out-of-control greeting card insanity once and for all!