This morning, Lord, and for most of yesterday, I have been searching for you. Where are you? I am pouring out my soul to you in dismay, and with much fear just now, yet I can't find you. Have I grieved you too much with my doubt, with the anger I can't help but feel?
I pick up a book and read: "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith--the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 1:6-9, NKJV)
Okay. I see. I have not been deserted by You at all. I have allowed myself to be drug away, foolish, fickle-hearted person that I am. I have given way to my despair and lost sight of my goal. You would never leave my side, and though You would never need to prove such a thing to me, for You already have anyway, here is the reminder that I needed to hear. I am being strengthened (though I can't see how just now). I am seeking You out, in spite of my human nature that tries to convince me that You aren't there.
I know You are. I will praise You. I will honor You. I will keep on glorying in You. I don't need to see You--don't need to 'feel' You--to know that You are ever present.
I don't understand. Anything. I find myself being carried on the tides of my emotions instead of being carried on the waves of Your grace. I question endlessly the ways of the world, and the people in it--myself included. I don't understand even the actions of those closest to me.
But You do. For You were betrayed by all of us--even Your closest companions. You still loved us--stretched out Your beautiful hands in compassion and with an offer we can never deserve. You've set the standard. I will never come close. Still, I will press on. I will trust in You. I will seek You out, and I will do my best to obey Your commands. Even if I don't 'feel' like it.
"Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me." (John 14:1, NKJV)
I will conscientiously pursue the untroubling of my heart. I will rest in the promises You've given me.
I will plant my feet firmly in You, and refuse to be moved.
I will be okay--because I know exactly where You are. You are here with me. You are there will those I love--my friends and family.