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DAVID'S COLUMN MySpace and URL the Violent Blog
by David Ian
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MySpace has provided this thing called "Blog", but I wonder if it's for the best? Sounds all very frightening, actually, this Blog thing. (Cue Music: "Blog THING! (Guitar riff) You make my heart SING! You make everyTHING Grooooovy!" --Wasn't that sung by "The Bloggs"?)

First of all, there's "Blog Home". Now this sounds harmless enough, but creating a "Home" has got its own liabilities: witness all the domestic violence and police calls to disputes in the home. What if my Home has "Blog Beater" in it? What if "gangstas" turn it into a Blog Crack Crib? Do I need to start calling my Blog "Homey"? Am I going to be up all night worrying if my Blog hasn't come Home yet? Do I need Blog Home insurance? Home Sweet Blog Home… Riiiiiiiight.

Then there's this thing that says "My Blog URL" Now, I would really like to name my own Blog, but apparently that's not an option. It's a pretty stupid name, too: "URL". Not even spelled properly: "Earl". What is this, some sort of "gangsta" lingo? Is my Blog going to start flashing "gangsta signs" at other Blogs and get into a "rumble"? Are there Blog turf wars? Will my Blog get beat up by other Blogs just because it can't spell a simple name like "Earl"?

"URL" -- huh.

"URL the Blog". I can't bring myself…..

Moving on, I see that you can "Subscribe" to a Blog. Now, this is worrisome. I have enough subscriptions as it is: Newspaper, Newsweek, Time, Penguin Flogger's Review, etc. So now am I going to be inundated with periodicals for Blogging? Blogging Monthly, Better Homes & Blogs, Blog's Life, Blogging Review, Blogs Illustrated, BlogSpeak, Rolling Blog, Blog's Digest, etc.? And I can never keep track of when I am getting free issues and when I have to cancel before I have to pay for 36 Months of "Hot Blogger Mag". I don't need this aggravation.

Looking around some more, I notice the "Customize Blog". Now here's where I start getting agitated. Customs are already irritating enough opening up luggage and private bags to nose around my personal things, all the while muttering, "Nothing we haven't seen before" and quietly smirking to themselves. I endure this little invasion of my private self if it will get me into some interesting country other than the boring USA. But I draw the line at my Blog getting this "Customized" treatment. Imagine! Some customs officer nosing around my Blog just for the pleasure if it getting viewed in some other country, no thank you! I've already given them reason enough to smirk at me with my luggage and things, I will NOT allow them access to "Customize" my Blog. Sheesh!

Now I come upon "Blog Safe Mode" and I really have to pause and wonder. Does this infer that the otherwise default for my Blog is "Blog DANGEROUS Mode"? Holy Criminey! What kind of violent Blog maniac do I have here? And by the way, what's my liabilities in this matter? I mean, it's one thing chain up a dog and put out a Beware of Dog sign, but do I have to put up a "Beware of Blog" sign if my Blog is NOT in "Blog Safe Mode"? Do Blogs TURN on their masters if they are not kept in "Blog Safe Mode"? Whom do I call if I need to have my Blog put down? Do Blogs need shots? Do they go rabid? What are the warning signs? How will I know? Now I'm really worried.

All right, now we come to the "Manage Blog" prompt. From the sounds of it, in order to "Manage" my Blog I'm going to need a good solid club, or a taser gun, this thing is so violent. But why would I need to "Manage" my Blog? Do Blogs go out on all night drinking binge parties unless they are "Managed"? Sometime am I going to find to my horror that my Blog appears on some sleazy "Blogs Gone Wild" video making some unmanaged out of control spectacle of itself? Do I really need this headache?

So far I need to "Manage" some violent homicidal Blog and keep it in "Safe Mode" so it doesn't turn on me or turn its "Blog Home" into some gangsta crack house where "Blogs Gone Wild" videos are shot while the Customizing people are nosing around in my private areas again. What's next?

And here we come to the most paralyzing, frightening aspect of keeping a Blog. My fingers froze over the keyboard when I saw it and my mouse wet itself when it flashed on the screen: "Blog Control Center". That's it. I'm outta here. It's clear that NO ONE can keep their Blogs under control, even in "Safe Mode" if they have to provide a "Blog Control Center" for you. Obviously you turn to your "Blog Control Center" when your Blog has broken out of "Safe Mode", burned its "Blog Home" down to the ground, and is running amok with the "gangstas" and "Blogs Gone Wild" crowd, and your solid club and/or taser gun have had zero effect on controlling your Blog while it is turning on you AND the customs officials and your "Manage Blog" attempts are laughable and pathetic. No thank you.

It's probably all hacked off at being called "URL".

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Member Comments
Member Date
Claudette Wood 10 Jan 2007
you have a mind that has gone where few people dare to go. most people don't come back from there, you know.... seriously (no, really, seriously), in my opinion you are one of the top writers on these boards. seriously. (i'm still a little worried about you, though)... :)
Mary Bryant 10 Jan 2007
HI David, You are awesome...what a writer, what an imagination and I just loved this 100+ %, it made me laugh. You have a wonderful handle on words, you sure are gifted and as always, its always a joy to read all you write. WHooo HOOO! Mary Bryant :)


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