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GRANDMA IS NOT A FOUR LETTER WORD
by Mariane Holbrook
01/07/07
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"GRANDMA" IS NOT A FOUR-LETTER WORD

by Mariane Holbrook

I had just taken a hot shower and fallen into bed after papering the bathroom, raking the lawn, making 3 pecan pies, rearranging my cupboards, cleaning the fridge, vacuuming the car, driving 400 miles, cooking dinner for twelve and hand scrubbing the driveway, when the phone rang. (I hadn't actually done any of those things but my tired body felt like it.)

"Can you talk? I need some advice. I'm a wreck," I heard when I fumbled to put the receiver upside down to my ear.

The breathless caller was a young internet friend from a western state who had not a clue about time zones and that it was now 2:30 a.m. at my house. She felt, to get my attention and endear herself to me, every phone call must be a gut-wrenching, heart-racing, knee-shaking CRISIS.

She had, according to her, experienced every conceivable illness in the world except Parvo, had suffered every human indignity known to primitive and civilized man, and endured the worst marriage since Adam screamed at Eve "You dork! I said I wanted banana pudding, not apple pie!"

But tonight Crisis #117 was real to my friend.

"My daughter just called from Kansas. She's expecting a baby in 8 months. I'm worried SICK, SICK, SICK."

"What's wrong with her?" I gasped, sitting upright in my bed. "Is she ok? Is the baby all right?"

"No, it's not that. She's fine. I just don't know what to have my new grandchild call me."

"Oh my," I thought. "Host a global conference. Good grief."

But I held my tongue and said sweetly, "What do you want to be called?"

"Well, I'm only 49 and I do NOT want to be called "Grandma." It's so old fashioned! "Mee-Maw" and "Pee-Paw" are possibilities. Those are the two most popular names on the internet.

She continued, "Booma and Boopa" are out. They sound too much like a marching band.

"Ka-boom, ka-boom," I muttered.

"What do you call your grandmother and grandfather?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"Oh I can't have my grandchild calling me THAT. We call them "Goo-Goo" and "Grumpy." I want something different, something nice that will stand out so they'll remember me," she confessed. "I thought of Grandmere and Grandpere."

"Are you French?" I asked, filing my nails, so absorbed in the conversation.

"No, but there might be some French blood several generations back. Who knows? I've considered 'Mahmoo',' MeeMee' 'Gigi-Wigi', and 'Angel.' Maybe even 'Princess.'

I thought of suggesting 'Queen Of The Universe' but decided against.

"Well, my dear friend," I sighed, putting away my nail file. "This is all very interesting but could we talk about this later, maybe in about 8 months?"

"Oh sure. I just wanted to get your input. You're a writer, you've met people, I knew you'd have some great ideas. I want my grandchildren to always think of me as young and vibrant and interesting, not an old fogy, not some old-fashioned woman with her hair in a bun, wearing an apron covered with pastry flour. By the way, what do your grandchildren call you?"

"GRANDMA!" I laughed and hung up the phone.

A rose by any other name is still………(you got it!)



If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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Member Comments
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Jacque Sauter 08 Jan 2007
Ohhh, I laughed out loud when I got to the part about the pastry flour all over the apron!! I was a Grama at age 43. Now that peticular granddaugher is 20+...LOL Gosh, the most important thing is "that they call you" ...LOL Very fun story to read, thank you for sharing!! You are blessed, Grama Jacque
Jacque Sauter 08 Jan 2007
Ohhh, I laughed out loud when I got to the part about the pastry flour all over the apron!! I was a Grama at age 43. Now that peticular granddaugher is 20+...LOL Gosh, the most important thing is "that they call you" ...LOL Very fun story to read, thank you for sharing!! You are blessed, Grama Jacque
lauren finchum 08 Jan 2007
COL (Cackled out loud) This was too good. I loved the first paragraph, and all the sarcastic thoughts. . .hm. . .too much like my brain working, lol. I'm no where near "Grandma" "Meemee" "Mumu" or whatever, but I still think this to funny. everyone knows at least one person that treats simple things like they're horrid plauges. I love this. keep it up!




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