The Lost Commandments
by Tim White
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Everybody knows about the original BIG 10. Its a little known, but unable to document rumor that there’s a few more he came up with while he was watching the news those first six nights.
1. Thou shalt not play games with the food.
2. Thou shalt not allow male children to wear sandals.
3. Thou shalt not make fun of Florida deer hunters.
4. Thou shalt not take advantage of, nor make fun of town folks, 3 is relevant but not equal to.
And now some details;
1. The Lord God created certain food items for specific reasons. It was for these reasons and these reasons only did he create them. Examples are.
A. Chickens. Created exclusively for the sole and express purpose of frying. Only in rare instances are any variations acceptable. It may, in these select case’s be acceptable to boil a chicken if, and only after certain criteria have been met, one intends to make dumplings, dressing, or in extreme emergencies chicken salad. May a pox be visited on anyone defiling my creation with any kind of sauce. He created rice and or mashed potatoes for the sole purpose of chicken gravy.
B. All meats, fish, fowl, pork, and beef were created with the sole intention of frying likewise. Again, while under duress, certain specific exemptions can be applied for and subject to approval, be granted in order to grill said meats.
C. Vegetables serve specific purposes and may not be mixed together and baked under any circumstances. The word casserole is derived from the Hebrew and being translated means, “a camel rolled over”. As with a lot of his culinary creations they serve more than one purpose. One exception to the pork rule is ham hock. An ingenious innovation expressly for adding to vegetables during the boiling phase of preperation. He created all this and all was good until someone’s son-in-law had to have a job to get him out of the house. God had nothing to do with cholesterol; this came over with the Beatles in the early-60's. Remember ladies, He’s already kicked us out of garden one time for not following one simple rule about the food.
Number 2 serves the purpose of protecting the gender identity of these impressionable and vulnerable adolescents. Failure to provide acceptable footwear [boots, tennis shoes, etc....] could result in said child forgoing football and baseball in favor of soccer. Another abomination that slipped in while he wasn’t watching.
3. Despite the well-documented fact that they will buy any and everything they see that even remotely implies it will enhance antler growth, this is considered by the almighty to be equal to hunting over bait. Too easy. It shall be expressly forbidden to sell them grain bin floor sweepings in a sack marked, “antler mix”. This indiscretion falls under the same jurisdiction as Yankees and reptile farms. Even though it is great fun and ultimately profitable it is considered to be taking unfair advantage and thus prohibited.
4. Many of the forbidden possibilities mentioned in rule 3 can henceforth be applied in rule 4. Some additions are, but are not limited to, selling them peanuts, corn, pecans, or any garden produce. It is their God given right that you simply and eagerly give it to them. Delivery and proper preparation is desired but not mandated. Forget about the fact that you had to buy the seeds and fertilizer and diesel fuel. That is irrelevant and thus of no consequence. You’re not supposed to notice that they charge you for the items you garner from their businesses but the same principles do not apply for you. In conclusion be faithful and just and in the end he'll arrange a corner mansion with an upstairs window so you hunt from the bed.
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