I was sitting in church yesterday at the end of the sermon feeling the weight of conviction. It made me feel sick to my stomach. Sheer conviction, from the Holy Spirit that is, pierces far beyond what any human guilt trip could do to ones soul. I have been praying about some, well what I consider, pretty serious stuff. Things that alter the road that I am traveling down, depending on if I go right or left, well, either way will make an impact in my life. So as Im sitting at the edge of my seat, my forehead resting on the chair in front of me, I am praying to my God. Asking Him for forgiveness and, again, asking Him how it is that I have arrived right back to where I was months ago. I thought that this sin had been defeated, how could it come back up?
It made no sense to me. And then, the calm, still, powerful voice of the Lord overcame my tears. He said, "Give it up". That was all. Although, I dont think that I needed more than those 3 words. I knew exactly what He meant because I have been half heartedly putting what He wants me to give to Him, on the altar for the past couple of months. Am I afraid that He wont take my love story and turn it into something absolutely amazing? No! Of course not is what I scream out of haste, not wanting to be accused of mistrust in my God. Am I afraid that He wont repair my heart and keep His promise? No! Of course not! Because if that was the case then that would mean that I must admit that I have backed out of my vow to the Lord in giving Him a year of no dating, no relationships, just focusing on Him.
However, if im going to be honest with myself and with God, I must say that I dont trust God the way I should. I have taken matters back into my own hands and I am absolutely miserable. I have backed out of my vow that I gave the Lord in February. I know that the Lord just wants me to "Give it up". He has made it so clear, He is so patience and He has proven Himself to be worthy of my affection. So why, why dont I just "Give it up"? I cant say that its impossible because the word of God says that all things are possible with God. So what is it? Even though I am so miserable, my heart hurts so bad, I know that it is wrong for me to have taken it back up off of the alter...the bottom line, I dont have enough faith. Hebrews says that with out faith it is impossible to please God. My faith is so small but I know that His grace is so abounding. So as I walk through this season, I can see God wooing me to His side. Softly showing me and gently tugging on my heart to come, rest in Him. Get away with Him and allow His Holy Spirit to heal my wounds. He wants to do that for me, becuase He loves me. He is a jealous God and paid the price to win my love, what will my reasonable sacrifice be?
Being a christian is, to say the least, easy. I know that even though I am in the midst of what I call a valley, my God is bigger than the valley I am in and He is walking right beside me. Jesus never said that we wont go through hard times, He only promises that He will be there, right by our side to help us get through them. So whether you are suffering from a broken heart, loss of a loved one, maybe just a hard season of life, whatever it may be, just remember that His sacrifice is enough for you. His grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in your weakness.
standing in awe of His beauty,
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