Have you ever seen the evil or unrighteousness that you're capable of, either slip out for a moment before you're eyes or get as close as possible to coming out as though it is waiting for the signal from your will to "go ahead" and go? As though waiting for the authorization to have it's way and do as it pleases?
At times in the course of my life as a Christian I have even had night dreams that showed me acting or reacting or responding in such a way as to clearly demonstrate what I am really capable of if the "other me" were to have it's way. And I have to pray when I wake up to get my true Christian bearings so that I don't get caught in the trap of self condemnation, shame, humiliation, embarrassment, etc. and run from the truth or worse yet, run from my Heavenly Father. Those are the lies of the devil who uses these opportunities, as the accuser of all mankind, especially the Brethren, to take us "Down" the road to the dark side. Also read Romans ch.7 especially verse 20. It’s not an excuse just a real reason to encourage us.
But when I pray, if I will settle down enough from being upset about what that very real dream put me through to hear the Spirit of the Father tell me that this was allowed by him to just get me to see where I would go and could go if I do not keep on desperately running to him all the time as though to cling to him for life, greatly aware of the possibilities, then I can be ministered to and refreshed.
But this can be where we separate different kinds of Christians from others. It is when we are faced with either an act of un-Christ-likeness that we have committed for real or one that we commit in our hearts, or one that we dream about where we actually carry it out for real in our dream. This is precisely where some of God's children will "put on" the shame and guilt and condemnation that the devil is offering us and walk away towards the perceived punishment that he says we deserve, in defeat. Or, we can "Quick, Run to the Lord" , "Run to the Mountain of His Holiness", Run away from the unrighteousness and into the loving, forgiving, understanding arms of our Lord Jesus, and the Father, through the Holy Spirit in us and with us. Or even in some cases, Run to the Rod of Correction. I’d rather have my Heavenly Father give me a swat than any one else, especially the devil.
If you have ever prayed as I know I have, a lot, that I honestly and sincerely do not want to do anything at all to upset the Lord or grieve him and His Spirit, then He heard that, He remembers we said it, and He will hold you to it. But keep in mind, this means that He expects us to go towards the light, where He is, instead of the darkness where the enemy of our soul is. Yes, we do deserve or may well deserve what the devil is offering but the entire message of the Grace of God is that Mercy and Grace and Forgiveness is available from the Lord if we will turn "TO" Him instead.
But it can be real hard to do because at the time we may feel very dirty and defiled and ashamed of ourselves for what we saw that we were far too capable of or of what we actually did do. It's hard to stand in the light of glory and truth when you have been uncovered. But that is the ONLY place where we can receive not only forgiveness and mercy and grace, but way more than that. We can receive the Cleansing that comes from being Baptized in the Blood of Jesus, being made whole, being delivered, being set free, knowing the peace that comes from being right, again, with the Lord. As many times as we need to. He will also restore to us what needs to be restored and then actually and most literally change us so that we either won't ever do that thing again, or even if we do, it won't have "dominion" over our lives as before, or so rebuke and crucify the flesh that we won't even dream about what "might happen" someday.
This is gloriously good news, but it can be hard to do if you are uncomfortable with your Heavenly Father seeing you dirty with your own guilt and shame and conviction. But the simple fact that you feel shame and embarrassment in His Presence clearly shows that you are on the "right" path. You are in fact a lot closer to him than you realize, a lot more pleasing to him than you know. Just take those extra few steps INTO His light and presence and be made whole and clean and restored and forgiven etc. and so on. You can't get that in the darkness. And if it's true what you said that you don't WANT to and don't MEAN to grieve him with your foolishness, then prove it by running TO Him when you need Him most.
Lastly, there have even been times when I have been in the middle of a church service, in the middle of wonderful joyful thankful praise and worship and there going through my mind and heart are things that are just heinous and horrible. Not from me but from the devil and his minions using the darkness of my old flesh. That's when you don't want those things to be there more than any other times. But as I said, that does not mean that you will do these things in your head and heart but it shows that you are capable of them and the potential is there, That's All. But God isn't upset with that. He fully expects that to happen and wants to see if we really want to truly "WORSHIP” Him when we really need to. When we get farther and farther to within His Glorious presence, which is where the light is the most intense, it will shine on and reveal everything that is in there, even what is just merely the ingredients for it. The devil and your flesh nature will try to get you to "run for your lives" [actually it's more like “run for your death"] and get out of there. But that's just them not willing to see you be made clean and be forgiven. Your fallen nature from Adam does not want to be changed and made to be different and certainly the devil does not either. But YOU DO, you told him so yourself. Remember?
Go to Him, Go to Him Now, and all the time, ESPECIALLY when you've been dirtied by your own inclinations to be selfish or independent or rebel. Especially when the embarrassed feelings of being exposed by the Light of His Presence are so hard to bear. Run to Him who already knows you anyways and wants YOU to know you like he does, Run to Him who has only love for you and not condemnation, but the Blood, the Word, the Cross, and the Tomb of Resurrection. Run FROM the devil and all that is of him and because of him. Allow yourself to be found guilty but don't let it prevent you from going to the Lord. "There is therefore NOW no condemnation to them............
Remember, "If we walk [live and dwell] in the Light, as He [Jesus] is in the light, we WILL have fellowship with one another [the right way] and the Blood of Jesus can and will then be able to properly cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness [beyond forgiveness]. There is so much more I could say on this but I'll stop here for now. Please let me know how you were dealt with by this Word.