My Christmas/Annual Newsletter--1994
by Brenda Kern
Not For Sale
Author requests article critique
Not For Sale
Author requests article critique
It was a dark and stormy night, and as she put on her tap shoes she wished she could remember where she had put her right foot. It would be much easier to perform the tap dance number with it, that's for sure.
"Where did I put it, where could I have put it?" she wondered aloud, but there was no one there to hear her musings. She'd lived alone for several years now, rattling around in the gloomy mansion she'd inherited from someone she didn't even remember. (Then again, memory wasn't exactly her strong suit...)
Clickity thump, clickity thump. She was heading for the stairs, thinking maybe she had filed it. "I'll start by looking under F for Foot. Or maybe under P for Podiatry? Who knows what I was thinking when I took it off."
The last time a similar incident had happened with one of her detachable parts she had found herself missing a finger. Nearly a month passed before she remembered that it would be at the mall, in a department store, where she had been trying on jewelry. The salesgirl had been pleasant enough in returning the finger, but wasn't too happy about having to find another for the display case.
A flash of lightning followed closely by an alarmingly sharp clap of thunder stopped her in her tracks, as always. She mentally reviewed the scientific mumbo jumbo she's been taught repeatedly about thunder, and how it couldn't hurt her, but it only helped take the acidic edge off of her terror, not even beginning to cut into the solid, meaty body of the fear. But, her nerves over the performance overrode her fear of thunder, so she continued on up the long, winding staircase, even passing quickly over the fourth step, her favorite.
When she reached the second floor landing, her sense of smell told her that she'd left something edible (or once upon a time edible) up here, and it had probably taken on a decidedly green and fuzzy look by now.
"Yuck. I'll deal with that later." Again the words were spoken out loud, as was her habit of many lonely years. Right foot, right foot, where's my right foot? Let's look here in the filing cabinet.
Owwwwwww! What is that? Oh, yeah, the porcupine quills. Gotta make that decorate wall hanging sometime. Oh, look, here's the last Christmas letter I got from that nice Brenda Kern. Let me re-read it.
Here's my not-too-terribly-exciting 1994 point by point:
* In late January I finally finished eating the fish sticks I'd bought last December for the invasion of my family. I slightly overestimated in my food planning and preparation...
* In February I lost my roommate to that insignificant factor of marriage. I miss you, Megan!
* In March I took a week of vacation that I can't remember at all. I'm sure it must have been nice.
* In April my new roommate, Carol, moved in. She even moved a piano into the basement down the (somewhat narrow) steps!
* From January through May the powers that be at work were trying to decide what to do with me, and in May I moved into the Operations building and got a new boss. These months were very tough on me emotionally, and I probably didn't "work and play well with the other children."
* In June I made a whirlwind trip to visit the Kansas City area. Worked on a Friday until noon. Hit the road, listening to the unfolding O. J. saga on the car radio all the way. Arrived just in time for the anti-climactic arrest. Stayed up late talking. Slept in late. Visited bookstores. Ate out. Stayed up late talking. Hit the road in the afternoon. Worked the next day. Learned later how to write in full sentences again.
* In late June I vacationed in Maryland with my family, culminating in the annual 4th of July picnic/reunion.
* I have absolutely no recollection of a personal life in July or August. Sorry.
* In September I got to spend some time with an old friend who was vacationing in the area, and that was good. Also in September I stepped outside the second floor of my home onto a wide "ledge" to clean the windows and locked myself out of the house. That was not good.
* In October I made another whirlwind trip back to KC for my college (MANC) Homecoming Weekend, and got together with some old friends.
* In November I had car troubles--computer problems. (Those of you who are realizing that I deal with computer problems in my work can just stop that snickering right now.) I only like my car when it behaves.
* In December I'll be traveling to Florida to spend some time with my mom's side of the family.
* Well, if you are to get this by Christmas I'd better quit being pokey and get this in the mail. Love and kisses and all that mushy stuff.
She bolted upright with a flash of remembrance. Of course! I know where I put my foot! Let's see: F, G, H, H-e, H-i, AHA!!!
And as she heard the satisfying snap! of the foot reattaching, she hummed to herself: "Put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself about..."
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