I consider my life worth nothing. I believe my existence is insignificant.
Today at four in the morning I wonder out loud to no one special, mostly just to myself. I talk in big words and strange sentence structures trying desperately to be something I'm not.
Today I toss and turn. I sleep with wakeful eyes, wondering back and forth trying rigorously to put an end to this restless insomnia.
My existence; the very air I breathe in do not seem to have a purpose. They unwillingly fall into my lungs bouncing spitefully down my throat. My inhales drop to my lungs, slowly tainting them black with their sharp sticks and noisy chatter. My exhales struggle to escape for they know what lurks deep within. They understand the demons and the cards they hold.
I consider my life of no worth. The very things I fight to keep are the very things that will destroy me. The very things that cause me pain I wrestle to keep close to my arms.
Where is this going? The constant nagging in the back of my mind, the perpetual burning under my skin, the continuous itching my throat. Where is it all going? Maybe that's not the question today. Maybe the question should be: "When's it all going to stop?"
Don't I love you? I'm not sure where this statement is at on my body anymore. The mirror beholds what my eyes perceive to be true, but my eyes have been bound and gagged. Their has been no ransom; all that is left is a cane with spikes for handles and cobwebs strung all over.
You seem to be present right now; looking over my shoulder at my words. Slowly wrapping your hands around me; catching all my tears.
All this hopelessness will soon fade. I realize that a valley does not have to last the rest of my life, but God does this have to happen right now? The perfect timing you talk about I must question today. Sorry for my lack of faith, sorry for my imperfect will. But I must question your purpose. I must ask for answers. I fear for far too long I've been walking blind holding someone's hand that I've never known personally.
If this must happen this way… if the script cannot be altered today. I pray then my Lord that you become personal to me. I pray my God that you infect me; wash away these empty notions and install in me a new course of action. One that will include my life with meaning, with purpose, with hope.
A beautiful prayer for all you feel lost and inneed of direction. To be this desperatate is often what we need to realise how much we need the Saviour; How feable we are without Him and without His love. And it is at this point that He becomes personal to us. I love the line "I pray my God that you infect me; wash away these empty notions and install in me a new course of action." And He will indeed bring "...meaning...purpose..hope." into your life and all of us if we truly pray this prayer being sincere and believing He will indeed hear our cries.
Thank you for this prayer and May he watch over you and fill your heart with love, peace and joy.
I have walked in your shoes and understand your pain and bewilderment quite intimately. At age 47, I am a child again as I celebrate my 5th year of sobriety. It took near death and a "burning bush" experience where Jesus saved me with His mercy and grace as I pondered suicide to finally open my eyes. I had to simply give up, quit fighting, accept the stark reality that I was completely helpless without Him. At that very moment He stepped in and I understood without question that He had been with me all along. It was my ego and pride that prevented me from hearing His gentle guidance. Be still. Slow down. Ask Him to heal you and teach you. Ask Him to remove the evil that chokes your spirit. He will never fail you my brother.