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Part 4 Master of eHarmony and Lost in Paradise
by Julie Michaelson
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(Continued from Part 3: Master of eHarmony)

Adam was lost.

No, he wasn't spiritually lost, at least not yet. He was really lost.
The Lord hadn't provided him with a map of the Garden. The
problem was that everything was just so.....green. There were
flowers, and birds, and bees, and bushes, and lizards, and bubbling
brooks, and timbers of trees. The Lord, in His Infinite Humor, had
purposely not placed any landmarks in Eden. He thought that His
young child needed to exercise his new brain, particularly the left

Naturally, the Lord was keeping His Eye on Adam, while the man
was running to and fro, looking for his helpmate. Smiling
affectionately, the Lord called down to him.

"Adam, what's the matter now? I leave you alone for two minutes,
and you're already disgruntled. Do you want me to call your
dogs for you? They're sleeping right now, under a weeping willow.
I made Woman, especially to keep you company. Have you
lost her, already?"

Adam stopped in his tracks, breathing hard. "Oh, Lord! Oh, thank......
You. I was about to go batty, in these woods. Do You know where
I am?"

"Yes, Adam. I know where you are. Don't you remember? I just
finished making earth. The green is still fresh off the vine. You're
not in any danger. Just look about you. Have you discovered
east from west, yet?"

Adam frowned, and chewed on a piece of grass. There was an
ant on it; he spit it out. He looked up at the sky sulkily. Why had
the Lord chosen this particular moment to show His Sense of Humor?
At this rate, he would never catch up with Woman. Perhaps, she
had found another Garden, over by the horses and buffalo. Adam
had named those creatures, early on, though he didn't like their
field very much. It was always kind of smelly.

"Adam?" A light-hearted rumble slightly shook earth.

"Yes, Lord?" Adam was pouting, and he knew it.

"Adam, do you see the sun? Where is it, overhead?" The rumble
was now slightly exasperated.

"Uh, yeah. I think so, Lord. Adam stopped chewing on the bit of
grass, and tossed it down. A bumble bee flew past him. It looked
plump and sleepy. It seemed to be floating on the dew scented
air. Maybe, it was lost also. This Garden was really too big for

"Well, don't stare at the sun too long. It'll give you a headache.
Do you see it, over toward the hills?"

Adam rolled his squinting eyes. He noticed that his vision wasn't
always in sync. He seemed to be able to see fine, up close. But
from afar, things were a tad on the blurry side.

"Don't worry about that, Adam. There's not much for you to
read - yet. I've already got one of your descendents picked out
for ophthalmology school."

"Opta......what?" Adam shook his head and sighed. Read? What
was that? He scratched his damp scalp. His hair had mostly
dried from the afternoon's romp in the stream. If this perplexing
conversation with his Lord kept up much longer, he would be
about due for a nap.

"Never mind, child." A huge sound like a exhalation breezed
through the grasses. "Adam, the sun is west. You're facing it,
right now. So, in what direction are you headed?"

Adam pulled his sticky mouth down. He had been chomping on
a big red berry, while waiting for the Lord to speak. "Uh,
didn't you say there was a..... east, too?"

"Adam, sit down and think for a minute. I haven't asked you to
do that very much, yet. By the way, you still have those 57 varieties
of animals left to name."

"Oh I remember, Lord! I'm right on top of things! You bet!"
Adam saw a craggy rock nearby, and sat down. It was warm. He
liked how it felt next to his perspiring skin. He put his stubbly
chin down on both fists. "Okay. I'm sitting down. Now, what?"


What did that mean? Adam squinted his left eye shut, and
bit his lower lip. Hm..... That one seemed slightly blurrier than
the other. A squirrel, holding a bronze-colored nut, stopped
chewing and looked at him, knowingly. Then, it scampered
happily away. Adam wished his sense of direction was that
full of confidence. Why hadn't the Lord made him a squirrel?

"Adam, I didn't mean for you to be a squirrel. You would have
gotten bored, eating nuts all day." The Lord was full of love
for his child, though His Patience was being tested. Pluto still
needed some work, and one of the smaller species of cats
wouldn't stop spraying on His maple trees. If His children
were ever going to reach the moon, He would have to nudge
Adam's thinking cap, a bit.

"Lord! I just had a thought!" Adam had stood up, jumping and
waving both his hairy arms at the endless blue.

"I'm proud of you, child. Now do you see the direction of the
sun?" The Lord was also keeping a watchful Eye on Woman.
He knew what was going on, and He didn't like it.

"West, Lord! I'm headed west!" Adam shouted excitedly,
jumping up and down, once more. Then he ran around in a
loopy circle, waving and yelling, "Yahoo! Yahoo!"

"Well, Adam. You keep going in that direction, and you'll
find Woman. She's, hm, over by a large clump of fruit trees,
at the moment. Hopefully, she won't be there long."
A low rumble shook the rock near Adam's big toe.

"What's wrong, Lord? Didn't I do good? I found my way,
didn't I? And, I really had a thought! That's two things I just
did!" Adam's neck was getting tired from looking up. He
wished the Lord would make an appearance. How come He
was hiding behind the clouds, just now?

"Yes, Adam. I am proud of you. But, you need to be on your
way. Do you remember what I told you about the Tree of
Good and Evil?" Another rumble sounded lower in the sky. The
tops of the trees bent in response. Squirrel monkeys, not
related to the nutty creature on the ground, screeched to each
other irritably.

"I think so, Lord. Isn't that the Tree that I'm not supposed to
touch, or something? Oh, wait a minute! Isn't that the One
that's full of fire ants? Or, is it termites?"

"Adam, just get going. And, whatever you do, DON'T EAT
FROM THAT TREE. I've even posted a sign on it. Okay, child?"

"Oh sure, Lord! You can count on me! Don't You worry about
one thing, Lord! I'm your man for the job! Adam here, has got
everything covered - thick as spit!"

Adam skipped away, whistling a merry little tune. He stopped,
for a moment, to pluck a soft daisy growing near his favorite rock.
The daisy reminded him of pretty Woman.

All was silent for a long moment. Then in the Heavens, came a
low Murmur. The angels, busy organizing for the Evening Choir,
couldn't quite make it out. But, it sounded a lot like,
"Oy vey."

TO BE CONTINUED............(Part 5: An Apple a Day......)

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