My husband Mike and I were married for two wonderful years when we decided to take the leap and have our first baby. Like many other hopeful couples, we discussed baby names, whether we wanted a boy or a girl, how many children we wanted to have, what kind of school he or she would attend. We were ready to be parents.
However, month after month and pregnancy test after pregnancy test, we were disappointed. It just wasn’t working. I began searching books, websites, and magazines for any help I could find. We tried as much of that advice as my husband would go along with. My hope, along with my patience, was running thin.
Then, about a year later, my cycle was over two weeks late. At first, I was reluctant to take another pregnancy test. I couldn’t be let down again. But, despite my caution, an inkling of hope started growing inside me. What if I really was pregnant? After all, I was a whole two weeks overdue.
That little bit of hope started to grow into bigger hope, which in turn turned into excitement, which ultimately grew into confident expectation. Nine months from then, Mike and I were going to be parents.
I couldn’t wait any longer. I strode into the bathroom, pulled out my EPT, waited three minutes, and with a pounding heart looked down at the strip. There, clear as can be in the result window, was a big, bold “Not Pregnant.” I was crushed. Mike gave me a hug on his way out the door and told me it was going to be okay, that we still had plenty of time, that God would bless us when the time was right.
After he left, I sank into a chair and cried. I couldn’t understand why God was holding out on me. My mind wandered to other couples I knew or had heard about who shared my same struggle, many of whom struggled for much longer. Hope and prayer didn’t seem to be doing us any good. It seemed so unfair. But, as my parents used to tell me, life is unfair. As I began to think about this, I wondered why God, if He loved us, would ever create us knowing that life wasn’t going to be fair, knowing that we would have to struggle much of the way through it. He knew Adam and Eve were going to sin, so why go through with it?
My sadness turned to anger. I dried my tears and decided to take a walk and cool off. But the more I walked, the more I had time to think, and the more I got worked up. All of the unanswered questions I had about God surfaced in that turmoil and my anger turned into doubt.
For days I was lost and angry. I didn’t do any of the things I usually did. What was the point? If God wasn’t who the Bible said he was, then I wasn’t who I thought I was, and subsequently I would have to reevaluate my whole life. My foundation was pulled right out from underneath of me.
My husband and I had endless theological discussions over takeout in our messy home. Mike, being a few-month-old believer, had no idea how to combat my barrage of questions. He remained strong in his faith, however, and was patient with me.
After a week of this, I began to wonder what had truly happened. How had I gone from a negative pregnancy test to deciding that there wasn’t a God, at least not a good one?
Putting all emotions aside, I set out to be honest with myself, and what I discovered was ugly. But, knowing the truth, I could not deny it. I had been throwing a temper tantrum. I, a grown woman, was kicking and screaming, yelling at the creator of the universe, the One who sacrificed so much for me, because I did not get what I wanted when I wanted it.
Oh, how stupid I felt! How humiliated, and humbled. I begged God for forgiveness, ending my separation from him. I was, and am, very grateful that He is so merciful. That evening my husband came home to a much happier wife, and a cleaner home.
The whole experience has strengthened my faith considerably. I have been seeking answers to my many questions and quelling my doubts instead of letting them linger in my mind, ready to be used in another weak moment. Now, two years later, we still have not been blessed with a little one, and I don’t know why, but I’m biding my time and trusting God. It wasn’t easy to get to this point. In fact, it has been a downright struggle.
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