In 1977 I found out that I was pregnant with my fourth child. My husband had pressed me to get an abortion during my entire pregnancy. He told me that if I didn't have the abortion that he would leave me. Broken hearted I agreed to his wants. He made the appointment as I sat and wept heavily on the bed. I was about four months pregnant at that time. I had cried so long and so hard until I layed down and went to sleep just after hearing him make the death appointment. I slept hard because of the tears I cried for my unborn child. I was abruptly awakened by his first and hard kick. My eyes just flew open. I lay there thinking, how could I kill this unborn child that was so alive in my womb. I was afraid of being alone knowing that my husband was going to leave me. After I felt the kick things changed inside of me and mostly in my mind. I mustered up the strength and told my husband that I was not going to kill my baby. He looked at me and said, "Okay Annzetta." I thought to myself...that's all it took, for me not to be afraid and speak straight to him?
Five months later I gave birth to an 8lbs. 2oz. beautiful baby boy. He began to grow and what a joy he was to me. My husband was somewhat distant towards me and I felt very alone. Depression and sadness were two visitors that I began to entertain. They both made me feel sorry for myself. So much until I started thinking about suicide.
On this morning I got the other three children ready for school and sat in the living room without the telvesion set on. I just wanted to think. My little one was toddling around the house, my husband who worked the midnight shift had just got home and he was ignoring me. He went straight to bed refusing breakfast. I thought to myself..I will just kill myself. End it all right here. I'm so tired of this life. What is life really about anyway? I went on and on having a conversation with myself. Just as I had made up my mind to end it all...the television set came on by itself. On it was Pat Robertson inviting viewers to say the sinners prayer with him. Feeling so low, I bowed my head and began to pray along with him. He was saying that being new Christians we needed to read the bible. Now I had tried reading the bible before, but I had no idea what the words were really saying. I got my bible and held it in my hand and said, "God where do you want me to start?" I opened it up and there was the New Testament...and that is where I started reading. The words became real to me for the first time I actually understood what was being said!! Joy weld up inside of me and the depression and sadness had to flee away.
Joy and Gladness replaced my old entertainment. I woke up joyful and went to bed joyful. The blessed baby Christian time, when God babies you. At night when I would sleep I would dream of a large hand and a large bible. A finger of that hand would be underlining the words of the voice that I would hear reading to me. I call this my time of Dream School. That's how it was for me during my meeting of Christ Jesus.
I wanted to know what the Love of God felt like and asked God this frequently. My son toddled into the room and ran into my opened arms. I hugged and kissed him on the cheek. He stood there for a moment and I kept on hugging him. He tired of that quickly, pushed away from me, and went on his merry way. That's when God spoke to me and said, "That's what my love is like Annzetta. I hold my children and kiss them and then they toddle away from me. I let them go but I am right there with them every step of the way to help them when they fall down." The warmth and love of God is like that. What a beautiful lesson that was for me.
Yes, I met the Lord Jesus Christ at a most difficult time in my life. The Lord turned my ashes into beauty. I am so thankful that He loves me so much. The Holy Spirit has taught me many things about my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. The baby Christian days are over and I have endured many a trial and tribulation since those days. I am honored to be a partaker in Christ Jesus' suffering. We still have our fun times together. Life is an adventure to me. He said He would never leave you or forsake you. He never has and never will. One thing that I do know is that God can do anything...but fail. Sometimes my heart grows faint during the endurance time. My God always comes to my rescue and lets me know that everything is going to be better than okay.
So to you my brothers and sisters who read my story...God loves you. Forever and ever and ever. Amen & Amen