This past week has been one of the worst that I can remember. If you have read any of my articles you know that I am trying to quit smoking. My doctor prescribed Zyban to help. This stuff does work because it takes away the desire for nicotine. I am in the stage now where I can take it or leave it, and I am mostly leaving it. I just don't really want to be bothered by cigarettes at this point. I don't seem to need them. Unfortunately, I seem to be suffering from most of the side effects of the medication.
I've barely been able to write a thing, as my brain feels so fuzzy it's hard to form a coherent thought. I am so dizzy that I can't make any sudden movements, or I might wind up on my face in the floor, and worst of all, I can't sleep. Sleep has been my only escape from the mess I call my life, and now I don't even have that.
What did I do this morning as I angrily swept off my deck just after sunup? I blamed God, yelled at Him for taking the one thing I had as an escape. Why do we always blame God when we mess up? He didn't do it--we did.
First of all, God would have told me not to start smoking in the first place, and I wouldn't have listened. Second of all, God is not making me quit smoking--I have chosen to because I want every part of my life to reflect Him. I want to remove as many stumbling blocks as I can.
The side effects are temporary, my doctor says. Even if they aren't and I have them for the entire time I am on this medication, it's such a small price to pay. Jesus tells us to take up our crosses and follow Him. This is a cross I chose to create for myself, for whatever stupid reason I chose to start smoking in the first place. I, as I sit bleary eyed and tired, know this cross I bear is such a tiny one in comparison to the one He bore for me (and all of you). I have noone to blame for this but myself. Yet, I have Him to see me through the fall-out I created.
We chose to create these issues in our lives by refusing to listen to Him. Then, in spite of all the messes we make, He tells us to just come to Him, and He will help us. He never says 'I told you so'. He says 'I love you and I am sorry you are going through this. Lean on me for awhile and I'll see you through'.
All I can say is Thank You, Jesus and just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now. At least I am moving forward!