Pardon My Yiddish, but...
by James Snyder
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One night recently I was sipping a sugar-free Kool-Aid while watching TV while reading a book, which is my normal activity. With the state of TV these days, I can read all of William Shakespeare's sonnets in one night just during the commercials. I think they have TV programs just to break up the commercials. You know TV is in a bad state of affairs when the commercials have better plots than the TV programs.
The night in question, a strange thought took shape in my brain. I'm not sure what shape it was because nobody gets into my brain but the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and I wasn't about to ask her.
After several generous swallows of Kool-Aid, the idea began seeping into my consciousness. I must admit it was a slow seepage, but it eventually got to its destination. Soon the idea formed a full-fledged theory that rattled me, I assure you. It takes a lot to rattle me these days. Well maybe not that much. Two ideas at the same time in my brain can put up quite a racket to be sure.
It wasn't long before this idea matured into a well-defined hypothesis. And it's been a long time since I have hyped my apotheosis. This idea was so newfangled I felt I needed to put it to the test to make sure it was genuine.
Instantly, I grabbed a TV remote, took a few more refreshing swallows of Kool-Aid and began channel surfing like my life depended upon it.
First, I came to a preacher trying to convince me that for some of my "seed," he would send me some miracle water that would bless me financially. I'm thinking, of course, if it works so well, why he doesn’t use it for himself instead of asking me for money, excuse me “seed.” Don't think I was not tempted to send him a packet of watermelon seeds.
But this wasn't what I was looking for. So I surfed on.
Then I landed at some real estate guru informing me that he had developed a secret for buying a house with no money down. All I needed to do was send him all my money and he would whisper the secret into my ear. If this "no-money-down" is so terrific, why doesn't he give his secrets for no money down?
Again, this was not what I was looking for, so I continued the surfing mode.
Finally, I discovered what I was looking for. A 24/7 cable news station. Here is where I needed to be to put my theory to a vigorous test. My remote control trembled in anticipation.
I watched for some time and sure enough, my theory developed right before my eyes. I just could not believe what I was seeing. Why have I not noticed this before, or why hasn't somebody else picked up on this?
I studied the TV screen to make sure what I was seeing I was actually seeing and the whole thing became as clear as a politician’s last promise.
Watching I discovered reports on war, rioting in streets, calamity of all sorts and disaster of all and every description. Right before my eyes, all of this was taking place.
I checked another cable news channel just to make sure I was not mistaken on this matter. I would hate to misjudge something because of lack of research on my part.
I examined several of these cable news networks and sure enough, there it was. My premise was proving correct.
Allow me to lay it out before you and you be the judge. Every one of these news stories had one common denominator. No matter which cable news network I watched, the same thing proved to be true. I just can't believe I’ve never seen this before. One thing showed up in every story. How could I have been duped for so long?
That one common denominator to all of the cable news networks was the TV reporter. No matter what the story or event there was that TV reporter.
My conclusion is simply this, TV reporters are responsible for every war and disaster and calamity in this world. Without these TV reporters, there is no war, disaster or calamity. It's all beginning to make sense to me now.
But the next thing I discovered was more shocking than this. For all of the news stories of all of the cable news network's there is only one TV reporter. I think it has something to do with budgets. These networks try confusing us by making this one TV reporter look like a male in one story, a female in another story and to further compound the condition, sometimes they will speak in English and sometimes in another language altogether.
If I don't get the Nobel Peace Prize for this, I will be surprised. This subterfuge has gone on long enough. Finally, the truth has come out.
The solution is quite simple. Get rid of this TV reporter and I will see no more war or calamity or disaster or mayhem and there will be peace in my valley once again. Out of sight, I always say, and out of my mind.
Actually, the only real peace comes from God. The apostle Paul wrote, “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7 KJV).
God's peace always is manifested in the midst of a storm.
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