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THE DAILY GRIND French Fries The New Cigarette
by David Ian
08/09/06
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HEADLINE: “Are French Fries the New Cigarette?”

(ANYTOWN, USA) All across America young people are flocking to the fast food restaurants and bringing their zippo lighters with them. Since it was discovered that the grease fat French fry has the same slow burning qualities as tobacco, and the smoke inhaled gives a similar pleasant smoke to the user, youths have been lining up to get a pack of fries and lighting up all across the country.

“At first it was, like, take a drag and whoa! weird-me, you know? But after a while it’s like, cool, dude,” said Scott Braton, a youth of Trenton New Jersey, while holding a smoldering French fry between his middle and index fingers. “It’s pretty righteous, man, if you think about it -- getting fried I mean.”

The sidewalks around fast food establishments are awash with teens and pre-teens puffing away at “potatoettes” with some showing a surprising brand preference and loyalty. “Myself, I always go for McDonald’s Goldens, man, they’re always smooth; but I’ll take just about anything that’s available. I know some guys who will, like, religiously only do Skipper’s Chips, man. Like, what’s up with that?”

It’s uncertain how the craze got started, but so far demand for smoking fries has gotten into a fevered frenzy with no end in sight. “It’s insane,” local Flippy Burger proprietor Hal McMahon complains. “No one wants to buy burgers anymore – they all want to light up on fries. I can’t keep them in supply. One little twelve year old asked me for a carton of fries. That’s just scary.”

No one knows the long-term effects of inhaling “French Smoke” as it is sometimes called, nor the possibility of it becoming addictive. “I do about four, five packs of fries a day,” Heather Sinclair remarks between puffs. “Some of my other friends do more. It’s harmless.”

While some experts disagree on just how much danger smoke from fat grease and starch may pose on young bodies, other authorities are worried that this is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Dr. James Hester head of the California Food and Drug Administration expressed his concern in a recent press briefing.

“We have had, in recent months, an alarming rate of emergency room casualties involving children who have experimented with snorting Kool-Aid, Pixie Stix, and ground up Smarties. We would issue a warning to parents to monitor and discuss what your children eat, drink, smoke, snort and inhale. You can’t expect your child to say “No” without first getting them to talk.

“You can’t get them too fresh out of the fryer,” Jason Sabo of Decatur, Idaho, describes how he prepares to start his first smoke of the day. “Either you’ll get a quick flare-up and get a grease fire at the end of your nose, or they’ll be too soggy to light at all. You gotta bite or snip off the end in order to expose the starch inside to start burning it. Some guys like the thick fries and smoke ‘em like cigars. My best friend tried doing a tater tot once, but it was nasty!”

“Brings a whole new meaning to ‘you want fries with that?’


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Member Comments
Member Date
lauren finchum 05 Oct 2006
this was funny. I love the kool-aid, pixie-stix part. Really good work.
Elizabeth Hale 09 Aug 2006
Very funny, especially since I have on more than one occasion watched my children 'inhaling' their french fries! Good article. Maybe ketchup will become the new 'lighter' somehow.




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