HEADLINE: "Prehistoric Iceman Died in Prehistoric Fight"
ROME, Aug. 13 (Associated Press) Historians are abuzz at the possibility that the earliest known mummy found in northern Italy died as a result of wounds from a bar fight, lastest findings indicate.
Scientists have extracted broken glass and what is speculated as crude "pool cue" splinters from his body. Traces of alcohol have been found soaked into his clothing, and DNA samples of his blood alcohol level topped out at .14 or possibly higher.
Theorists do not agree as to the nature or cause of the earliest known tavern scuffle, but many and varied improvised weapons are evidenced by the different cuts, wounds and contusions found on the mummy.
"He was really blitzed," Professor Rosenthal of Rutgers University remarked after revealing the blood level of the Iceman. "We know very little of what kind of distilled beverages they had in this area at this time, but from all evidence all involved were simply plastered. He may never have felt any of his wounds before he dropped.
The telling blow that finally brought The Iceman down is a hotly disputed subject among experts that have divided authorities into two camps. One theory, put forward by Sir Edward Howard of the Oxford Anthropological Society, points to a large wooden chair -- broken across his back, flying into splinters upon impact, bringing him down to his knees first, then a forward slump to the ground. Rejecting this belief is the Swiss Paleolithic Research Institute which insist it was a bottle broken over his head from the front. "Iceman stood for a moment afterwards, weaving while his legs faultered slightly, then he crashed to the ground all at once in a heap," describes Prof. Hans Schlegel, chairman of the institute. "There is no solid evidence to support this so-called 'two-step decent to death', that's merely wishful poetic nonsense that has no place in science."
Place YOUR vote:
[ ] Iceman died from massive wounds from a chair in the back
[ ] Iceman died from trauma of a broken bottle to the head