A Pretend Conversation With God
A sudden quiet
and then His voice spoke,
through my morning reverie
"If she had not given her life to Me,
if she had kept her life
and a renewed heart,
if she had not sought My eternal life
and the everlasting redemption
of heaven and peace with Me,
would. you. still. want. her. with. you?
I paused and brushed my hair,
the mirror reflecting eyes surprised and
this was my reply:
"You know I prayed often for her redemption,
and I believed that salvation was near.
(I longed to share this spiritual sisterhood with my only daughter as the highest love we could have on earth.)
"I answered your prayer."
My hair in place, brush put away, eyes closed,
I bowed my head,
"Yes, You did.
And I thank You for Your gift."
He left me alone to remember how she and I took communion together in the hospital, how we held hands together, prayed together.
I remembered her last long prayer shared aloud with friends,
while in labor
for the baby she would not raise....
One of my friends said her prayer was the purest she had ever heard and this same friend remarked at the memorial how my daughter's prayer had put her to shame
because of her faith and purity of heart.
I vowed to never forget my sistine images.
And then it came to me that I had not answered God's question.
I had thanked Him,
committed to remember His gift,
but I had left unanswered His important question to me.
I don't know my answer, but I well know what the answer should be.
I will give God the answer that pleases Him and comforts me.
When you read this,
don't tell me how wonderful it all is....
despite knowing I have this great gift....
I bear a terrible sacrifice
Just read this and know I am thankful for His gift of her,
and His patient love for her.
That's all I want you to know tonight.
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I feel like a miner who has discovered a deep seam, though to say I am enjoying your work may sound trite. Jesus' response to people's suffering was "gut-wrenching"- wheter for the hungry, the sick, the bereaved or those lost without a shepherd . Thankyou for your honesty in the midst of pain; my own sharing has sometimes been a comfort to others, and we are healed to some extent by the re-telling of our story.