That final kiss before fingertips separate…before your heart falls to your toes…and your heart rolls over and hardens like a heavy boulder in the center of your chest. How can you forget that memory? The fear that crept up your spine with fiery hot fingers and tears that stung the back of your eyes. It doesn’t matter how hard you blink them away, they’ll always come back.
There are some things in this life that you will never forget. They are painful memories that haunt you in your quiet dark moments when God’s face seems to have become hidden from you. You hide in a corner, look to the heavens, and hear nothing but the pounding in your chest…the blood rushing in your ears. For some, these dark moments come more frequently than others…and for me…they come at a time when I need them most: when I have forgotten and turned away…and let life take hold of me with a fierce grip that I cannot wiggle free from.
I have kissed my love goodbye for the last time…and kissed him hello when I never expected to. The fear that had taunted me gave way to light that washed away the tears. I have opened my arms…and watched babies fade away…and then been given hope in a soul that never wanted…never believed…never thought that healing hands would reach it again. There have been so many times when tears cease to stop falling and I have sunken on broken faith…knees quick to the ground with my fat tears that fell without shame…but with anger and rebuke.
Today, I can see this beauty surrounding me that I never asked for, never tried to posses…I just came to acquire it through the dark moments that broke me. Through a suffering heart, through pain that seems inescapable, and through disappointments that have taken years to heal from…I have something inside of me that most only dream of. I have this faith, this light, this love…that has come to be such a treasure to me.
I have learned that eyes can only see truth when they are ready. You can go years walking with your eyes closed, seeing beauty and love that is a lie, and feeling emotion that has been whispered into you from the darkness. It is the times when you cannot stand any longer, when your tears keep flowing, when your heart is breaking…that your eyes begin to open and the light comes in. The truth…lies in the pain.
Light brings promises…as it brought my love home from war, gave me dreams in a once bitter heart, and promises a child will be my own.
What I have learned, the only promise that I can give you…is that the beauty of the true you resides in the light…that follows after the storm.