“Daddy, where is mommy?” Said my three-year-old son with his eyes gazing upon me.
I tried to explain to him that mommy is with Jesus now, but I don’t think he really understands.
“Daddy, when is mommy coming home?”
“She is home, son, she is home.”
I couldn’t hold back the tears and the pain inside me so I excused myself and went to weep in my bedroom. It’s only been a few weeks, but the event is vivid in my mind and heart. I can remember it so well that it hurts. If only I could have done something. If only I could understand why it happened.
“God, please help to understand your will. I don’t know why it happened, but I know you’re in control. I don’t know if I can go on without her, unless you help me.”
My heart ached like no other time that I could remember. It all kept playing in my mind.
“It is time, John, it is time, let’s go!”
“Are you sure Elisabeth, I mean, are we ready for this?”
“John, I think it is a little bit late to be asking that question, don’t you think?”
“Ok, well let’s go and I’ll call the doctor on the way. No, scratch that, you call and I will drive.”
I frantically got all the suitcases and the items needed and Elisabeth and off to the hospital we went. Trying to keep focused on the road and help her with her breathing, I wasn’t for sure if I was going to get light headed and pass out or not.
“They really shouldn’t have the husbands do this sort of breathing when they are already stressed out enough”. Elisabeth only laughed.
We finally made it to the hospital and Elisabeth was in a great deal of pain.
“Something’s wrong, John, I can feel it. I didn’t have this pain with little John.”
“It’s ok, it is a different baby and the doctor said the birth would be different. It will be ok.”
I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince her or myself.
After about thirty minutes in the delivery room the doctor had me removed and they rushed her to the emergency room, saying they were going to do a normal C-section.
“The doctor has done this many of times, don’t worry, they will be fine.” Said the nurse. However, an hour later, that’s not the news I received.
“John? Hi, I am Dr. Smith. There were some complications with your wife’s delivery. Some hemorrhaging occurred that was not expected. I am sorry, we did all we could do.”
I wasn’t sure if my heart stopped then or if it only went numb. All I can remember is grabbing the doctor by the coat and slamming him up against the wall screaming at him. Two orderlies took me to the floor and all that echoed in my mind were the words,
“ I am sorry, we did all that we could do.”
Now here as I sit in my walk in closet, I feel empty inside. Like somehow my entire world had come to end. The one that I had loved for more than ten years; shared dreams, hurts, victories, ups and downs, the one that lit up any room she walked into, was gone.
I sat there and cried with my heart truly broken, wondering what will I do now. Then from the back of my mind came the story of Jesus coming down from heaven from the Father. How that on the cross, because of our sins, God the Father had to turn His back on His Only Begotten Son. And the anguish of Jesus when that happened, I knew that Jesus understood what it was like to be truly alone.
I wasn’t sure what to pray, I just knelt down and cried for a few minutes, then with what strength I had left,
“Father, I know you know how I am feeling. You had to watch your Son die on a cross. Please, tell me what I am supposed to now?”
Within only a few seconds, I heard a little voice coming from the other side of the door.
“Daddy, Where are you?”
I knew God had answered my prayer with the heart and voice of a little boy, my son.
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Jerry, this piece brought tears to my eyes. I know the pain outlined in this piece very well. I appreciate writing the true feelings in this piece for people like me to relate to and gain strength to wait on the Lord. Thanks for sharing. Bless you. Only Joy