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{This article was first published on suite101.com.}

The following is a transcript of a recent religious radio talk show. The names, show title, and show content have been changed for obvious reasons.

Announcer: Welcome to another segment of Issues and Views of Today, the show that brings you the most significant and profound ideas from some of the greatest liberal and conservative intellectuals of modern religious thought. And now it pleases me to introduce the host of our show, Dr. Hugh Musbeblind.

Hugh: Good evening and welcome to Issues and Views of Today. I am your host, Hugh Musbeblind. With me today is my very special guest, Reverend Cal Amity. Cal is the author of several books on end-time prophecy and government conspiracies, and is the founder of the controversial Dooms Day Now ministry. He refers to himself as an end-time-prophet and speaks out against apathy and deception within the church. Now that our listening audience has been introduced to you, Reverend Amity, I would like to officially thank you for coming on the show.

Cal : Thanks Hugh. It is indeed a pleasure to be here.

Hugh: Well, Cal, I would like to begin by asking about your recent best selling book 101 Biblical Reasons Why Jesus Will Return On January 1, 2006.

Cal: Boy, sales really dropped off on that one.

Hugh: I am sure you can see why.

Cal: Because people are no longer interested in Bible prophecy?

Hugh: Or, maybe because it never HAPPEN?

Cal: Oh, you think sales dropped off because Jesus did not return on January 1st 2006. Yes, I see your point. But my soon to be released book, 101 Reasons Why Jesus Changed His Mind will answer the questions of most skeptics. Sales should resume after that one is published.

Hugh: I wish we had more time to discuss your books, but I would really like to talk about your organization. Please tell our listeners what your ministry is all about, and why you created it.

Cal: Sure, I would be glad to. Dooms Day Now is a ministry designed to awaken Godís people to the evil intents and end time deceptions of the anti-Biblical governments of this world. It was created to do the work the modern church has left undone. There are conspiracies and sinister plots all around us. It is the goal of Dooms Day Now to expose these secret schemes with the light of Godís truth.

Hugh: That sounds like a very noble cause, but can you give specifics?

Cal: Sure, Hugh. Take Santa Clause, for example. How many churches have you heard preach against him?

Hugh: Well, I have heard a few extreme groups say that the idea of Santa Clause takes away from the true meaning of Christmas, and that he represents materialism. Many religious parents will not allow their children to believe in Santa.

Cal: Yea, I heard all that stuff too. But have you ever heard anyone expose the Santa Clause Communist Conspiracy?

Hugh: You are kidding, right?

Cal: Just as I thought; you have never heard that Santa Clause is a Marxist plot to promote communism in the minds of American children. Think about it, Hugh. He is a totalitarian dictator who runs a sweatshop of deformed laborers in a remote area. This tyrant forces his handicapped workers to toil long hours in order to make massive amounts of cheap toys. (Sounds like communist China to me.) And why does he force the toys to be made? To sell them, like a good American capitalist should? No! He freely distributes them according to his own criteria. It has nothing to do with how hard one works. It has to do with Santaís secret list. Yes, he has a list for each of us. And what does he think of the right to privacy that our country holds so dear? Well he does away with that altogether. He sees us when we are sleeping and knows when we are awake. And does he need a search warrant to come inside our homes? Heck no! He just gets on our roof and comes in through the chimney when he pleases. This guy is not only tolerated, he is made to be some sort of hero. Canít you see the strategy to soften kids minds toward a communist dictatorship? And if that is not enough proof, Hugh, think about this. Why does he always wear red?

Hugh: Is this the type of conspiracy you are exposing?

Cal: You better believe it. And then there is the gay rights agenda Tooth Fairy Conspiracy.

Hugh: Please, letís not go there. If these are the kind of conspiracies you are exposing, I can see why you have so many critics. I have gathered together a few statements from some of your more outspoken detractors. Would you like an opportunity to answer them publicly?

Cal: I sure would, Hugh. Fire away.

Hugh: Here I have an article by Dr. Rea Lism, published in the "Journal of Normal Religious Therapy." In it she states that your preoccupation with government conspiracy is an indication of extreme paranoia. Whatís your response to her statement?

Cal: Oh, sure. Itís easy to accuse me of being ill. But let me tell you, sheíd be paranoid too if she had people following her around.

Hugh: You have people following you around?

Cal: Why? Did you see somebody? Oh, man, I knew I should have taken a different route here.

Hugh: No. I didnít see anyone.

Cal: They hide pretty good, donít they? Watch what you say. I think this place is bugged.

Hugh: Well, I donít think that anyone would need to bug a radio show. --- But, if I may, let me continue with Dr. Lismís allegations. She goes on to state that you exhibit erratic behavior and extreme mood swings in both your speaking and writing, and that she believes you could be bipolar.

Cal: Absolutely not, Hugh. I am one hundred percent heterosexual and always have been. No bi-anything in this body.

Hugh: No, I donít think she meant ---

Cal: Just go on to the next critic, Hugh. I am insulted by her thinking of me that way. I donít want you to think Iím homophobic or anything like that. Itís just that gays and lesbians scare the heck out of me.

Hugh: Uh --- OK --- I guess. Our next critic is Bishop Joseph D. Vout of Chicago. He states that you are so prideful you think you are the only one who hears from God.

Cal: That is not completely true. I believe many other religious leaders hear Godís voice, but they also hear the devils voice. You can tell by some of the ridiculous statements they make. I am the only one who accurately discerns between the voice of God and the voice of the devil.

Hugh: And how do you tell the difference? What is your secret?

Cal: It is so simple. God sounds like Charlton Heston whereas the devil sounds like Vincent Price.

Hugh: You hear audible voices?

Cal: Sure I do. That is how I know what to do and what to believe. The voice of God tells me. I just ignore Vincent --- I mean --- the devil.

Hugh: Well I hate to say we are just about out of time.

Cal: You must have read my book, America Is Just About Out Of Time.

Hugh: No. I meant this radio show is out of time. Well, anyway, thanks for being with us, Reverend Amity. And a special thanks to our audience for tuning in. Until next time, good-bye from Issues and Views of Today.

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