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FOR FUN So You Want To Be America's Next Brain Surgeon?
by David Ian
06/15/06
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SO YOU WANNA BE AMERICA’S NEXT BRAIN SURGEON?

By David Ian


CAST OF CHARACTERS:

NARRATOR
JUDGE ANDREW
JUDGE BEATRICE
JUDGE CHESNEY
CONTESTANTS 1-15
(including CONTESTANT 8A)
PATIENT 1

(MUSIC: Exciting intro music)

NARRATOR: Coming soon, this fall, the reality audition contest show you’ve been waiting for: So You Want To Be America’s Next Brain Surgeon?

Tune in and watch as we travel across the country auditioning professional and aspiring amateur surgeons for a post as Head Brain Surgeon at an elite hospital in a major metropolitan city.

JUDGE ANDREW: And what procedure are you going to perform for us today?

CONTESTANT 1: A splenectomy

JUDGE BEATRICE: Good. Have you ever done one before?

CONTESTANT 1: On my brother, once.

JUDGE CHESNEY: Was it successful?

CONTESTANT 1: Well… I’ve …learned from my mistakes

NARRATOR: Join us as we watch our panel of three judges, Andrew Hollingsworth, the well-renowned brain specialist from prestigious Boston General:

JUDGE ANDREW: Well, obviously you’ve got the skills, but this is what worries me: Can you hold your own coming off the back nine at Pebble Beach against, say, a lawyer or a jet pilot? I don’t think you can, and THAT’S what being a top-notch surgeon is all about!

NARRATOR: To the sympathetic Beatrice Sanders who has a kind word for even the worst contestant

JUDGE BEATRICE: I think you’re tall, handsome, you carry yourself well, and you generate an aura of arrogance about you, and you dominate the room when you walk in, and THAT’S what being a top-notch surgeon is all about.

NARRATOR: And of course, Chesney Neville, the snotty English judge you love to hate who doesn’t give anyone a break

JUDGE CHESNEY: Tell us why you’re going to be the next American Brain Surgeon

CONTESTANT 2: Well, I’ve done over a dozen amateur surgeries with no complaints so far—

JUDGE CHESNEY: Dead men tell no tales, do they? NEXT!”

NARRATOR: Watch the high pressure world of delicate brain surgery as professionals--

CONTESTANT 3: How dare you say that! I could do this procedure in my sleep!”

JUDGE ANDREW: Yes, well the point, mister, is to do it while the PATIENT is asleep!”

NARRATOR: And amateurs alike…

JUDGE BEATRICE: You’re going to do what?

CONTESTANT 4: Well, purty lady, I’m gonna amputate my own leg!

JUDGE ANDREW: With a kindling hatchet?

CONTESTANT 4: Yessir, that’s right, yes.

JUDGE CHESNEY: (mutters) Pity he doesn’t amputate his own head!

NARRATOR: …Audition for the most prestigious job in the world of cranial cuttery: So You Want To Be America’s Next Brain Surgeon? Watch the contestants experience thrill of victory

JUDGE ANDREW: And how long have you been doing surgery?

CONTESTANT 5: Just started last week

JUDGE BEATRICE: Last week??? Well, you’re going to the next round, young man.

CONTESTANT 5: Yeesssssss!

JUDGE ANDREW: Now get yourself a proper scalpel. No more procedures with a Swiss army knife

CONTESTANT 5: Yes sir!

NARRATOR: And the agony of defeat:

(SFX Flat line sound)

CONTESTANT 6: CLEAR!

(SFX percussive jolt of electricity)
(SFX Flat line sound)
(SFX Grunts of CPR, breathing, chest compressions, etc.)

CONTESTANT 6: Turn it up another 200 volts. Stat! Gimme 50 CCs of adrenalin. Stat! STAT!

JUDGE ANDREW: (sigh) Give it up, hotshot. You failed. Dismally.

JUDGE BEATRICE: Honey, You’ve been doing CPR for long enough. I think you’re going to have to call Time Of Death

JUDGE CHESNEY: (mutters) Talk about beating a dead horse.

JUDGE ANDREW: Stat.

(JUDGES all chuckle)

NARRATOR: As the judges witness and endure the bizarre…

JUDGE BEATRICE: It says here that you do surgery as performance art?

CONTESTANT 7: Yes.

JUDGE ANDREW: How does the patient feel about that?

CONTESTANT 7: Oh, he doesn’t know. That’s the point…

JUDGE CHESNEY: He doesn’t know that you’re floating him in a vat of Jell-O and using kitchen utensils for instruments while doing movement interpretation to Elton John hits during the procedure?

CONTESTANT 7: It would destroy the spontaneity if he did

JUDGE ANDREW: Spontaneity? He’s out cold with the anesthesia.

CONTESTANT 7: Uh, maybe…

NARRATOR: The novel…

JUDGE ANDREW: You do tag team surgery?

CONTESTANT 8: That’s right. The Cutter Brothers will do ANY surgery, ANY time, ANY where, in ANY arena!

CONTESTANT 8A: We are The Cutter Brothers, and we are –

CONTESTANT 8 & 8a: THE GREATEST!

NARRATOR: The unique…

JUDGE BEATRICE: And what procedure are you going to perform for us, today?

CONTESTANT 9: A tonsillectomy.

JUDGE ANDREW: I’m bored already.

CONTESTANT 9: --Blindfolded.

JUDGE BEATRICE: Seen it, nothing new…

CONTESTANT 9: --Using a weed whacker

JUDGE CHESNEY: Oh, well, let’s get on with it, then.

NARRATOR: To the downright scary…

JUDGE ANDREW: Excuse me, excuse me? Are you going to apply anesthesia to the patient, first?

CONTESTANT 10: No, no, no. I work completely natural.

JUDGE CHESNEY: Okay. Carry on.

(SFX Bone saw)

PATIENT 1: AUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AUGGHHH! AUGGGHHH!

CONTESTANT 10: Look, just shut up, it’s not that bad! The pain is all in your head.

JUDGE ANDREW: --He’s got THAT right, considering he’s cutting into his skull…

CONTESTANT 10: Deal with it, okay? Just shut up! I’M doing all the work here, pal!

NARRATOR: And sometimes the judges just don’t get along…

JUDGE BEATRICE: So, why do you think you can be a brain surgeon?

CONTESTANT 11: I carve the turkey every year for the family Thanksgiving

JUDGE BEATRICE: Awwww, that’s sweet.

JUDGE CHESNEY: And I’ll bet you cut yourself A LOT when you use scissors, too—

JUDGE ANDREW: (laughs) Good one!

JUDGE BEATRICE: Hey! That’s mean! BE NICE! The both of you!

CONTESTANT 11: Not since I started using the rounded-tipped ones.

JUDGE ANDREW: (laughs even louder)

JUDGE CHESNEY: Did I call it, or what?

JUDGE BEATRICE: Stop it you two!

NARRATOR: So You Want To Be America’s Next Brain Surgeon?

CONTESTANT 12: I figger “I’m a butcher, so how much different could it be?”

NARRATOR: Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Surgery Theatre”.

CONTESTANT 13: Friends! Romans! Countrymen! I’ve come to bury Caesar, not praise him

JUDGE CHESNEY: Excuse me! Are you going to DO the autopsy, or are you just going to emote around the body?

CONTESTANT 13: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him well, Horatio!

JUDGE ANDREW: NEXT!


NARRATOR: So You Want To Be America’s Next Brain Surgeon? Coming to your television this fall, and possibly YOUR operating room

JUDGE ANDREW: And what experience do you have, Vinnie?

CONTESTANT 14: (obvious Mafia) I cut off fingers, toes, ears whatever it takes to get the collection, you know what I mean? Capisch?

JUDGE CHESNEY: I’ve heard enough.

JUDGE BEATRICE: Thank you very much.

CONTESTANT 14: That’s it?

JUDGE ANDREW: Yes, you’re in the next round, congratulations. Now go away. Please.

CONTESTANT 14: You’re very reasonable, thank you.

JUDGE CHESNEY: And you’re very scary…

NARRATOR: Where YOU vote in the next top brain surgeon of the country.

JUDGE ANDREW: Look, cutting hair does not qualify you to do complex open cranial surgery!

NARRATOR: Coming to you this fall!

CONTESTANT 15: Wait, can I start over? I messed up with this patient….

(SFX Flat line beep to fade out)








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Member Comments
Member Date
Kyle Chezum 16 Jun 2006
Hilarious, my friend. You have a way with funny words. :-)
Anita Neuman 15 Jun 2006
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
Shari Armstrong  15 Jun 2006
ROFL!!!! that's great!




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