SO YOU WANNA BE AMERICA’S NEXT BRAIN SURGEON?
By David Ian
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
(including CONTESTANT 8A)
(MUSIC: Exciting intro music)
NARRATOR: Coming soon, this fall, the reality audition contest show you’ve been waiting for: So You Want To Be America’s Next Brain Surgeon?
Tune in and watch as we travel across the country auditioning professional and aspiring amateur surgeons for a post as Head Brain Surgeon at an elite hospital in a major metropolitan city.
JUDGE ANDREW: And what procedure are you going to perform for us today?
CONTESTANT 1: A splenectomy
JUDGE BEATRICE: Good. Have you ever done one before?
CONTESTANT 1: On my brother, once.
JUDGE CHESNEY: Was it successful?
CONTESTANT 1: Well… I’ve …learned from my mistakes
NARRATOR: Join us as we watch our panel of three judges, Andrew Hollingsworth, the well-renowned brain specialist from prestigious Boston General:
JUDGE ANDREW: Well, obviously you’ve got the skills, but this is what worries me: Can you hold your own coming off the back nine at Pebble Beach against, say, a lawyer or a jet pilot? I don’t think you can, and THAT’S what being a top-notch surgeon is all about!
NARRATOR: To the sympathetic Beatrice Sanders who has a kind word for even the worst contestant
JUDGE BEATRICE: I think you’re tall, handsome, you carry yourself well, and you generate an aura of arrogance about you, and you dominate the room when you walk in, and THAT’S what being a top-notch surgeon is all about.
NARRATOR: And of course, Chesney Neville, the snotty English judge you love to hate who doesn’t give anyone a break
JUDGE CHESNEY: Tell us why you’re going to be the next American Brain Surgeon
CONTESTANT 2: Well, I’ve done over a dozen amateur surgeries with no complaints so far—
JUDGE CHESNEY: Dead men tell no tales, do they? NEXT!”
NARRATOR: Watch the high pressure world of delicate brain surgery as professionals--
CONTESTANT 3: How dare you say that! I could do this procedure in my sleep!”
JUDGE ANDREW: Yes, well the point, mister, is to do it while the PATIENT is asleep!”
NARRATOR: And amateurs alike…
JUDGE BEATRICE: You’re going to do what?
CONTESTANT 4: Well, purty lady, I’m gonna amputate my own leg!
JUDGE ANDREW: With a kindling hatchet?
CONTESTANT 4: Yessir, that’s right, yes.
JUDGE CHESNEY: (mutters) Pity he doesn’t amputate his own head!
NARRATOR: …Audition for the most prestigious job in the world of cranial cuttery: So You Want To Be America’s Next Brain Surgeon? Watch the contestants experience thrill of victory
JUDGE ANDREW: And how long have you been doing surgery?
CONTESTANT 5: Just started last week
JUDGE BEATRICE: Last week??? Well, you’re going to the next round, young man.
CONTESTANT 5: Yeesssssss!
JUDGE ANDREW: Now get yourself a proper scalpel. No more procedures with a Swiss army knife
CONTESTANT 5: Yes sir!
NARRATOR: And the agony of defeat:
(SFX Flat line sound)
CONTESTANT 6: CLEAR!
(SFX percussive jolt of electricity)
(SFX Flat line sound)
(SFX Grunts of CPR, breathing, chest compressions, etc.)
CONTESTANT 6: Turn it up another 200 volts. Stat! Gimme 50 CCs of adrenalin. Stat! STAT!
JUDGE ANDREW: (sigh) Give it up, hotshot. You failed. Dismally.
JUDGE BEATRICE: Honey, You’ve been doing CPR for long enough. I think you’re going to have to call Time Of Death
JUDGE CHESNEY: (mutters) Talk about beating a dead horse.
JUDGE ANDREW: Stat.
(JUDGES all chuckle)
NARRATOR: As the judges witness and endure the bizarre…
JUDGE BEATRICE: It says here that you do surgery as performance art?
CONTESTANT 7: Yes.
JUDGE ANDREW: How does the patient feel about that?
CONTESTANT 7: Oh, he doesn’t know. That’s the point…
JUDGE CHESNEY: He doesn’t know that you’re floating him in a vat of Jell-O and using kitchen utensils for instruments while doing movement interpretation to Elton John hits during the procedure?
CONTESTANT 7: It would destroy the spontaneity if he did
JUDGE ANDREW: Spontaneity? He’s out cold with the anesthesia.
CONTESTANT 7: Uh, maybe…
NARRATOR: The novel…
JUDGE ANDREW: You do tag team surgery?
CONTESTANT 8: That’s right. The Cutter Brothers will do ANY surgery, ANY time, ANY where, in ANY arena!
CONTESTANT 8A: We are The Cutter Brothers, and we are –
CONTESTANT 8 & 8a: THE GREATEST!
NARRATOR: The unique…
JUDGE BEATRICE: And what procedure are you going to perform for us, today?
CONTESTANT 9: A tonsillectomy.
JUDGE ANDREW: I’m bored already.
CONTESTANT 9: --Blindfolded.
JUDGE BEATRICE: Seen it, nothing new…
CONTESTANT 9: --Using a weed whacker
JUDGE CHESNEY: Oh, well, let’s get on with it, then.
NARRATOR: To the downright scary…
JUDGE ANDREW: Excuse me, excuse me? Are you going to apply anesthesia to the patient, first?
CONTESTANT 10: No, no, no. I work completely natural.
JUDGE CHESNEY: Okay. Carry on.
(SFX Bone saw)
PATIENT 1: AUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AUGGHHH! AUGGGHHH!
CONTESTANT 10: Look, just shut up, it’s not that bad! The pain is all in your head.
JUDGE ANDREW: --He’s got THAT right, considering he’s cutting into his skull…
CONTESTANT 10: Deal with it, okay? Just shut up! I’M doing all the work here, pal!
NARRATOR: And sometimes the judges just don’t get along…
JUDGE BEATRICE: So, why do you think you can be a brain surgeon?
CONTESTANT 11: I carve the turkey every year for the family Thanksgiving
JUDGE BEATRICE: Awwww, that’s sweet.
JUDGE CHESNEY: And I’ll bet you cut yourself A LOT when you use scissors, too—
JUDGE ANDREW: (laughs) Good one!
JUDGE BEATRICE: Hey! That’s mean! BE NICE! The both of you!
CONTESTANT 11: Not since I started using the rounded-tipped ones.
JUDGE ANDREW: (laughs even louder)
JUDGE CHESNEY: Did I call it, or what?
JUDGE BEATRICE: Stop it you two!
NARRATOR: So You Want To Be America’s Next Brain Surgeon?
CONTESTANT 12: I figger “I’m a butcher, so how much different could it be?”
NARRATOR: Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Surgery Theatre”.
CONTESTANT 13: Friends! Romans! Countrymen! I’ve come to bury Caesar, not praise him
JUDGE CHESNEY: Excuse me! Are you going to DO the autopsy, or are you just going to emote around the body?
CONTESTANT 13: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him well, Horatio!
JUDGE ANDREW: NEXT!
NARRATOR: So You Want To Be America’s Next Brain Surgeon? Coming to your television this fall, and possibly YOUR operating room
JUDGE ANDREW: And what experience do you have, Vinnie?
CONTESTANT 14: (obvious Mafia) I cut off fingers, toes, ears whatever it takes to get the collection, you know what I mean? Capisch?
JUDGE CHESNEY: I’ve heard enough.
JUDGE BEATRICE: Thank you very much.
CONTESTANT 14: That’s it?
JUDGE ANDREW: Yes, you’re in the next round, congratulations. Now go away. Please.
CONTESTANT 14: You’re very reasonable, thank you.
JUDGE CHESNEY: And you’re very scary…
NARRATOR: Where YOU vote in the next top brain surgeon of the country.
JUDGE ANDREW: Look, cutting hair does not qualify you to do complex open cranial surgery!
NARRATOR: Coming to you this fall!
CONTESTANT 15: Wait, can I start over? I messed up with this patient….
(SFX Flat line beep to fade out)
PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR,
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