Why does it hurt when you are close?
Why does it hurt when you arenít close?
Why is it so difficult for you to understand?
May be I donít unwrap my love for you on the strand.
Why does it hurt when every trial fails
To make you feel better when the clouds turn pale?
Why does it hurt when I try to keep mum?
May be I shouldnít expect anything in lump.
Why does it hurt to see your eyes filled?
Why does it push to smile though I know my feelings are killed?
Why does it hurt when I hold back my emotions?
May be I love you so much that I run the extra mile of patience.
__A new month of reviews I give to you, hello Joyce! I know I'm not as brief as other reviewers--perhaps I speak for them all. Few people comment on your non-challenge articles. While I respect the writing challenge, it's a competition with rules that participants must adhere to. In the regular submission it's just your mind, emotions, and computer--no restrictions. These words of yours are worth review as well.__ "Why Does it Hurt?"
*Superstars: This piece is profoundly thought provoking and shaming; commenting on it is breeding more shame. I read through this piece twice before realizing God was the speaker. Good! You're doing more poetic exploration and it's effective; I leave this piece wondering how much hurt I've caused God, especially as a professing disciple of Christ. I am really impressed by the affect you left on me from this piece. Your pieces aren't usually so disturbing; I wonder if this was a difficult frame of mind to put yourself in? **The symmetry is flawless. Three 'whys' and a 'may be' in the first and third stanzas, with two in the second. Whether every line was to start with 'why' or not, the final positioning of it all makes for perfect symmetry--a good visual aesthetic! ***Clean spelling and punctuation again, good job! Not as poignant a declaration as the in the previous piece, but I'll mention it as you do it, nonetheless. *Flops: You've put the title in the poem as well as in the title space above. An easy fix, just edit it out as it is annoying. **Word choice. I suppose these are more personal than objective, but with this short and serious piece, razor accurate words are important to keep from misleading the reader. "Why does it hurt when every trial fails
To make you feel better when the clouds turn pale?" My problem is with the word "feel". It sounds like God is saying: every time I try to make you 'happy' it doesn't work because in it, I'm not doing it the way you want me to. I've never experienced God trying to make me 'feel better'. I could say that God tries to 'make me better' but fails because the trial gets too hard, but I can't see Him in a position to fail at wanting to make me happy. It doesn't seem to be His main concern--look at Jesus.
"Why does it push to smile though I know my feelings are killed?" My problem is with the word "it". I imagined it was referring to the noun "eyes" in the previous line if so, then the words you should have used are "do they"; even so, how to eyes "push to smile"? I've heard of seeing a smile 'through' the eyes but not the eyes themselves pushing to smile. That's awkward phrasing if nothing else.
__Another long review, I hope it has been helpful. Thank you for writing this piece. Coming from God's point of view is hard because everyone will be critical of your interpretation of how He thinks, but I respect your personal view, even if you don't agree with my word choice complaints. Goodbye for now.__