My minds fighting but the wounds are getting deeper. I long for might to carry on. Searching deep within me, I can't seem to find life. It has become meaningless, the cries, the pain, I see it everyday stamped by the pavements, on my screen, in my phone, everywhere I stamp seems to hold a message of pain.
Is that all I needed, was it the reason he went through all that pain. People send me so many messages of forgiveness and prayer it becomes to seem like a lie. If it's true why try so hard to convince me? These questions lay deep in my heart, why cry when I am saved. I hate to see myself in denial. Hell is what seems to drive me to Christ, didn't he mention LOVE? Am I doing this just for a reward in heaven or would I be prepared to go to HELL for him? My mind is twisting with questions. ANSWER ME !!!
I'm trying to take a deep breath, but I'm still breathing heavily, sin is still weighing down on me. Calm ... I see so many messages because God is LOVE and in love lies patience. Should I take the time to read all these e-mails telling me to repent (some I see over and over again). Yes patience is the answer. If I can breath the same air every single day, I can recieve Gods message with a new EYE every day. My breath is feeling closer to normal.
I thought I loved God, but now I see my FEAR of HELL, yes!! By being true to myself I can see clearly all the wounds that cover my body. I DON'T LOVE GOD. No I never did, I've been feeding myself with lies, praising God out of thanks not love. Thanks that he loves me and is willing to take me to heaven.
That is my answer, hell should be no scare, I shouldn't use it as a weapon to scare people into Christianity. No it starts with love, first for yourself and then to your neighbors and then I can finally say I love God and be filled with a mutual happiness. I'm willing to love him, the hardest thing anyone can do. that's the answer...