When I was young I was strong-willed, stubborn. I didn’t take anything from anyone. I dared them to cross the line. I guess it worked because the only ones that ever challenged that chip on my shoulder were guys. While I didn’t go looking for a fight, if they brought one, I would not back down. I never wanted to be that way; it’s just the way it was.
When I was 13 years old I was molested by my cousin. My outlook on life went south. I thought I was strong. Instead, I was devastated.
I went through one self destructive phase after another followed by a string of destructive relationships. I thought I was trash so I acted like trash. I believed I had no value. I let my body be used by whoever had something to offer.
When I was 17, my dad lost his job, had an affair, and drove my mom into a mental hospital. I reached out to a guy that said he loved me and ended up pregnant. Five months later I was having an abortion so I could go to college, have a future and break the cycle. But in the first year of college, I hooked up with a guy that couldn’t give me a home of my own but had no problem giving me two children, one of which he never sees and one he won’t claim.
I feel into a deep depression: starving myself, binging and purging, drinking and partying thinking that would numb the pain. I wanted to kill myself.
I had two friends in school that saw the path I was on. They stepped in and saved my life, made me realize that something had to change. I graduated, moved home, got a job and life as a productive citizen and responsible mother began.
But I hated my life. I wanted to be free from the responsibility of parenting. So I tried to find ever way possible to get out of the house. I did, only to continue down the road of destruction and wrong relationships. I still hated my life and because I was self absorbed I forgot that God was the answer to all my problems. I wanted the pain to stop and it just seemed to get worse.
About the age of 30, I was raped by a stranger I was extending kindness to in giving him a ride and I had a third child. I shut down and checked out of life totally. I walked through life in a haze. I was paranoid that someone was waiting to take more strength from me when the only one that was succeeding at doing that was me.
I eventually ended up at Sunlight Missionary Baptist Church and found a reason to turn my life around. I was sharing my testimony. I realized that I had allowed my voice to be silenced. I did not want anyone to see what darkness resided in me, what tainted my picture. I started to share what had taken place in my life, I was drawn to that church when I married my first husband and he refused to go where my parents went. The marriage was annulled several months later after he got out of jail (for parole violation). I was ready to check out again until an old friend came back into my life. We finally admitted that we had feelings for each other the first time we had met but because I was his cousin’s girlfriend he never made a move. 12 years later we found each other and decided not to let the opportunity pass us by 6 months later we were married. I was once again fighting to be me and to make my voice heard.
I finally had to choose to use my voice because I was the only one that could let it be silenced. I was tired of searching for a place to belong, for my purpose. I was tired of being held captive because of some men that had crossed my path and took something they had no right to take.
I sought counseling partly because my husband said I needed help and because the time had come to save myself from a mundane existence. I am now on Prozac and take that pill with the faith I am healed and one day will not need it and I am dealing with the fact I was violated yet I walked away both times alive.
I was spared for a reason. God had a purpose and it had not been fulfilled yet. I had to choose to live.
I also have a great mother in law who keeps telling me I have two sides to my brain one that say “die” and one that wills to live.
I have to choose which one I am going to listen to and I choose to live. I choose to tell my story to everyone that will listen and hopefully change, save and repair some lives along the way.
The only one that can heal our hurts, hang ups, and habits is the Lord, God Almighty. It took a long time for me to come home to that realization. I did not know that when things started to fall apart that what I wanted was to help other women find out what I had known all my life, but because experiences were dismissed by those close to me I forgot those things that I knew early on in my life and that was why I checked out so many times. I don’t want other women to give up and succeed at checking out thinking that they are not strong enough to endure the things that are taking place in their lives right now. I want them to see that what we go through is to make us stronger and able to help others.
I have come to see that hiding my past makes me a slave to it. I want to show others that transparency can set you free. The path to emotional healing begins when we can be open, real and unashamed of our past. When we stop allowing the devil to tell us we are no good and remember that our savior Jesus came to set us free.
When we stop listening to the lie, we discover the truth within us.
How do we discover this? We immerse ourselves in His Word daily and we apply it to our lives. When we don’t stay grounded, the devil is able to slip the lie in on us and then we are all turned around. We start to believe that if those who are suppose to protect hurt us instead, then our heavenly Father will hurt us too.
We need thank him for the good times; rejoice in the bad and not let difficulties turn us around. Stay focused in His Word. We heal by believing the truth.