Is Chuck Norris God? The question has been kicked around a lot lately. I’ll get right to the point and tell you all that the answer is indeed “yes.”
I suppose I could waste a lot of time telling you how I wrote this piece of fiction blended with 5% history in order to make a profit while going around in the media proclaiming that through my extensive research in writing a novel I uncovered unquestionable truths that led me to the answer of the question…instead I’ll just tell the story and you can accept it, and if not you’re just a crazy anti progressive quality television hero hate monger zealot. And if that be the case, as in the words of Mr. T, “I pity the fool” as you will surely feel the wrath of god Norris via a roundhouse kick to the head bringing you an untimely journey to hell.
Our story begins in Austin, Texas. An international Chuck Norris fan club known as the Priory of Karate has chosen the University of Texas at Austin as the official site of the Chuck Norris National Monument. The Priory of Karate has been around ever since the final episode of “Walker Texas Ranger” aired in 1998 (though I never checked the date out to be sure). The Priory of Karate has been accused of many unorthodox practices and rituals to honor their hero. Most notable has been the suggestion to the general public that roundhouse death kicks to the head are an acceptable way to deal with your critics. Chuck Norris after all is an honorable man. Therefore, the saying (often found on plastic wristbands and bumper stickers) of “What Would Chuck Do” is not only just words of faith, but rather words of action to the members of the Priory of Karate.
A second rival group of Norris worshipers known as Norris Dei have been at odds with the Priory of Karate. At one point they were both one in the same. Norris Dei eventually branching off into their own sect, one more secretive and more Gnostic in worship of our hero. Norris Dei members routinely practice acts of pain on themselves, such as kicking each other in the head. The belief is that their pain is appeasement for their transgressions to fellow Texans and an act of honoring Chuck Norris. I discovered papers detailing the split of the two groups at the El Paso Public Library. These papers were found tucked in between the “Rangers Templar Manifesto” periodicals…most likely lost and misplaced since the late 90’s. The Rangers Templar is a group of the highest performing Texas Rangers and assorted Texan nobility that have been personally invited into the group by Chuck Norris himself. Notable members of the Rangers Templar include President George W. Bush, George Strait, Hank Hill, Troy Aikman, J.R. Ewing, Leonardo Dicaprio; and honorary non-living members like John Wayne, Davy Crocket and Ben Franklin. Not much is known about the Rangers Templar other than they like to drink Lonestar Beer, attend rodeos, and every year they visit The Alamo for a secret ceremony. It is rumored that the Rangers Templar guards the deepest secrets of Chuck Norris.
May 25th, 2006 was the scheduled unveiling of the Chuck Norris National Monument. However, the night before I was called to the monument scene to investigate a murder. The University of Texas knowing of my in depth knowledge of Norris lore called upon my assistance to investigate this murder…I mean why call law enforcement when you have my superior knowledge? I arrived at the scene to find something I can say was more than ghastly. The victim was Crocket H.W. Hill Aikman, Jr. He was the curator of the El Paso Public Library, and the foremost expert of Chuck Norris memorabilia. He was to keynote the unveiling of the monument the next day. Crocket’s arms where positioned in a strange manner. One arm pointing northwest and other pointing south. To the south was the actual monument covered in a white sheet. But why was the other arm pointing at to the northwest? Crocket layed dead in a drawing of the “lonestar” with a message written above him in his own blood that read, “The Yellow Rose of Texas”. I knew I had to act fast. His arm that was pointing northwest no doubt was pointing towards the panhandle town of Amarillo. Amarillo of course being the birthplace of Chuck Norris. (I don’t know this for sure, but it’s a wild guess and I’m an expert so it makes total sense.) I had to travel fast if I was to make “Amarillo By Morning”.
I jumped a red eye flight to Amarillo. While on the flight I watched an episode of “King of The Hill”. I knew this had to be an omen. Hank Hill a member of the Rangers Templar, myself on this flight investigating the murder…it just made sense. I knew I was on the right track. Once landing in Amarillo I did what Hank would do. I downed a case of Lonestar by a couch in an alley. I knew that a new thought would enter my mind bringing me one step closer to solving the mystery. As I drank the winds grew stronger. Now as you all know a West Texas storm is something not to toy with. I then started to think deeper. What would Ranger Templar Ben Franklin do in this situation? We know from his writings that Ben Franklin enjoyed good ale. It then hit me. I had to fly a kite in this storm. On my 18th bottle a bolt of lightning struck the kite. The divine energy gave me another clue. I was to bolt out of Amarillo as fast as lightning to Texas Stadium. Away I went.
I arrived at Texas Stadium and walked out to the 50 yard line. Here I asked myself, what would Ranger Templar Troy Aikman do? He’d throw a football…that’s what! So I tossed a football into the air and it landed in the south end zone. This meant only one thing…I had to proceed to the outskirts of Dallas to the Southfork Ranch. At Southfork I asked myself what would Ranger Templar J.R. Ewing do? He’d most definitely conspire some oil deal that would make him millions. It was now clear to me, the answer was in Crawford, Texas.
I drove to Crawford to the home of President Bush. The Secret Service would not let me get very close to the homestead. What would Ranger Templar George W. Bush do? He’d send us to war! I had to travel to The Alamo. As quickly as I arrived in Crawford I was San Antonio bound.
While on the road my car started on fire. Clearly someone did not want me to make it to The Alamo. Well it was clear that I was stalled for the time being. I checked into a roadside hotel. My search was going to be halted until the morning when I could find another mode of transportation. I sat on my bed processing the events of the day. I flipped on the T.V. The movie “Titanic” was on. There he was, the great one, the great Leonardo…Dicaprio. What was Ranger Templar Dicaprio trying to tell me? Obviously it was a sign, I was just in a traumatic crash…I had to find a body of water. Galveston! I must make it to Galveston! Another piece of the puzzle would surely be found on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico. With no time to spare I found a cab in the phone book and I was off to Galveston.
I made it to the shores of the Gulf in Galveston. I walked the beach for nearly an hour. Wondering if I had made the right decision. Then I saw him! The ghost of John Wayne. I asked John, “What am I to do Mr. Wayne?” Wayne’s ghost grinned and rubbed a cigarette out in the sand with his boot. He then replied, “Son you’re close. You’re so close. All I gotta say cowboy is that if you know me, you know how I handled all those little flowers I romanced in those movies. That thar is your answer son.” And with that he vanished into the ocean mist.
What did this mean?! A flower? Of course! “The Yellow Rose of Texas”! I was on the right track after all. I was to keep heading to The Alamo and fin the yellow rose. So I was back on the road to San Antonio. I reached The Alamo and there it was…the yellow rose planted in front of the old fort. But now what?
I sat down for a bit. Then the divine revelation hit me. Chuck Norris is god! The rose was a sign from Chuck. Could all of these events just be coincidence? No way! Chuck Norris is god.
What about the heated rivalry between the Priory of Karate and Norris Dei? I don’t know. Who knows? And who cares? And who cares about Crocket’s death really? Truth doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I wrote I story that should be believed because I say it’s the truth. That’s all that matters my friends. Amen. God bless Chuck Norris.
The moral of my story: Dan Brown is a selfish money hungry mental midget and I can come up with a jet paced historical docudrama epic thriller with the same amount of research, that’s far more entertaining and in less time.