It's a rainy day this summer, as I walked along the trail on the woods. The scent of the wet leaves and roots and the sandal woods, the silky sap from the shrubs and the stopping drizzle invites the ray of light to strike down the muddy ground. My face looking up the grayish- dulled plum sky and the clusters of cloud reminiscing the days that I spent with the special person in my life.
Remembering that person turns away my excite to move on to the road of nowhere. How I always wanted to look back and go back to where that special person might be. But I must go on, I must live with or without that person. The outreach and the mission's done. We have to go separate ways; she must live to her mission and I also need to live to whatever is my purpose of existence.
I remembered a time ago before she was sent somewhere for her mission that I purposely avoided to see her once more and to talk to her once more,I just let her passed me by and I pretended that she never existed there that she's too far away. But all that time all I wanted to tell her is about my success, I want to make her happy and don't want to tell her about my failures anymore. All I want is to make her happy and to include her to every step of the way since she's my mentor in life.
I saw her coming in to the room on where I was but I pretended that I have not seen her, I even did not bid her good bye. I just let her go.
Now as I walked into this woods I realized that being with her is not forever. She will grow old and perhaps will move out to have her own life and family and I, too, will grow old have my own life and family. It became clear to me that we're not going to be youth forever and that I am not forever attached to her.My faith also must not depended on how far she would go to reveal it to me but to discover it myself and to let God move me.
Small illness visits me, it is painful inside and my tears seemed like an infinite humid rain. Knowing that I must learn how to let go of the people whom you relied your life with. It dug deep, oh this pain! I don't know how to bear her memories.
I walked faster and tried to walk tall into the narrow road that soon will reveal what is on the other side of it. I told myself not to look back and not to stop. I pulled myself farther and going on the other side, I pants for water. My tears are dry. I breathed hard. I felt strong enough to be on my own. I felt that it's a success because I will not depend everything on her anymore. That I must stop my stupidity and my immature thinking on calling out for help and be a cry baby.
I sat on the grass, I place my things down too and on my front there lies a stream of water. I watched the shallow current of water to relaxed my very tired eyes. Tired eyes of seeking an hear to listen to my cry and for an audience to watch my senseless tear-jerky drama. Eyes that were tired of seeking and looking for answers and looking for truth, looking for ways out and looking for light from the dark. Eyes that were seeking for attention, love and understanding. I rubbed my eyes and rested it upon a relaxed gazed on the trees across the stream.
I hummed there and planned to figure out what is my next destination. But a cloud of thinking about her interrupted me. "Where are you now? Are you safe out there?" I stopped humming. I gazed up to the sky instead. "Are you out there and doing the same thing just like me?" I asked as if she'll hear me and will give a reply to me.
"When will you come back?" I asked once more.
"Please come back before I grew up...." I told her though she will never hear it. I felt like not ordinary that I stopped talking. I stretched up. I started to walk. "We are not friends... and we are not enemies and our time ended on that road."
Long as I remembered, she's just a young lady who walked into our Sunday School has been introduced as a new face there and I did not knew then that in the future she'll be part of my life. I don't remember that much about her or on how she became part of the council, on how she joined the ministry.... I did not knew her that much. We never became friends and we never did today but we're not the closest enemies... and we never have been before and we will never be today.
It all started like this....summer time and the heat of the sun tanned me much. I went into the worship hall and never expected that there will be a small group and follow-ups and the discovery group. I was first handled by someone else... but as I ended up the follow-ups and started to enter the discovery group....there our extraneous world merged in.
We are very extreme and I don't know how we keep our fellowship together... and we are not friends, but we are not enemies! I don't why no matter how indifferent we are, we can still get along together although we're extreme I am happy to have her in my life. I felt that I have a mother image when she's around also a big sister in one.
I know that I was rough on her, I am a self centered and nasty though she never done anything wrong. I did not intend and did not meant it. But I don't know why on earth I always did it all the time that she's been around. But the best thing for me is that whenever I attained something I shared it with her. My success is her success and my growth is her growth too! When I needed someone to talked to, she'll be there and when I needed a counsel, she'll be there too. Bottom line she's part of my spring and fall.
She changed me, even though it's a part of her calling and I am always in great gratitude that God put her into my life for doing so. I am inspired and how I wanted to follow her footsteps.... She's strong! or maybe she's also a facade showing that she's strong and looking straight forward. No matter what, at least she's a light. She's a luster.... a perfect luminescent!
I stood up, I stared back on where I have walked before.... back there on the other end, she have been there! She said that life goes on... I have to be strong. She told me that God will make me strong, firm and will restore me. Now it seemed like on this journey I have to be on my own. I stepped forward to go on my own path, to my own direction, to my own purpose....to fulfill to whatever is God's will for me, then will it! Now I have to put this thing on mind on wherever I might be and might be doing.... I will always remember her though our time together is partial. We're not friends but we're not enemies!
The rain starts to pour again, I run fast crossing the stream. I used the banana leaf to cover me as I continued my journey. Raining during summer is no new to me. It happened all the time. And I knew that summer will end too soon. The spring time is coming, the raining....time to grow... time to move on!
Too many rain pour down during summer.... that's how our season would be... But perhaps I will still wait for her if ever she'll be sent back again.... perhaps if ever she'll held an account for me again which is partial to her calling.
April 28, 2006 Saturday 9:30 pm
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