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{The following article was first published on SUITE101.com on the Religious Humor and Satire site.}

A Church for Everyone

I received the following letter from my sister's son, Hugh. I would like to share it with you.

Dear Uncle Bob,

Thanks for your concerns regarding my difficulty in finding a new church. After the job transfer, it has been a real problem. I visited several of the places you suggested, but none seemed to meet my needs. Yet, in spite of it all, I want you to know that I found the perfect place of worship. It is called A Place for Everyone, and I fit in just fine.

I found out about it through a coworker. She handed me a brochure advertising a new church designed to meet every church-going need. I asked her if it was a church that dealt with many different theological problems and social concerns. She just laughed and said that it dealt with the real issues people go to church to face, not the silly theological things we all pretend to care about.

It seemed interesting, so I called the number listed on the back of the brochure. I spoke to the founder of the church, Reverend Joe A. Musing. He is really a very insightful guy with some innovative ideas about church and worship. He explained how his church worked and what made it so special. I was so impressed, I went there the following Sunday. I love this church. You really need to experience it for yourself, Uncle Bob, but I will try to explain it the best I can.

According to Reverend Joe, theologies and doctrines are just for outward appearances. He believes that every person, regardless of their faith, goes to church to satisfy one of five basic needs. He has, therefore, developed an inter-faith system that meets all of those needs. His church is broken up into five different areas called Need Fulfillment Rooms where the Need Fulfillment Sessions are conducted. They are very similar to the Sunday school classes you see in protestant churches, but they address real issues.

The five Need Fulfillment Rooms are as follows:

First, there is the Fulfill Your Duty room. This is the place where most husbands and teenagers gather. It involves one hour of mindless noise, some standing and sitting, and even a little head bowing. This enables those who only go to church to fulfill some sense of religious duty to fulfill that need as painlessly as possible. They even provide pillows for those who are accustomed to sleeping during sermons.

The second room is the Feel Important room. The session that takes place there utilizes a special praise and acclamation software program. Participants are encouraged to sing, give short speeches, and brag about their accomplishments. Praise for what they do, or have done, is automatically given by the program. Every other participant is willing to clap for the person being extolled, and pat him or her on the back, because they know that in time, they too will be exalted.

The third room is the Egotistical room. This session does not need the Feel Important software because these participants already think that they are the most important people on earth. This room is divided into several one-person soundproof cubicles. This allows each individual to only hear himself or herself speak. It really works out great, since those who attend this session never listen to anyone else anyway.

The fourth room is the Whiner room. This is one of the most popular rooms of all. Everyone sits around and talks about how much they have been hurt and how unfair everyone else has been to them. People are constantly coming up with new ways of feeling offended, and this is the perfect place for them to go. There are speakers in every corner of the room that constantly reinforce the participantís hurts with sounds of sympathetic groans.

The fifth and final room is the Critical room. This is where those who have a need to feel superior over others go. They sit around in circles and criticize, find fault with, make fun of, and tear down everyone and everything else. They never share what they believe themselves, but they are constantly criticizing what others believe. The only danger with this room is that there is always the potential for the participants to begin to criticize each other. But even that works out OK. If someone in this room becomes the object of ridicule, the person merely leaves and goes to the Whiners room. It all blends in so well together.

After so many years of struggling to find a real church Uncle Bob, I think I have finally found one. Maybe A Place for Everyone is not doing what a church should be doing, but at least everyone there seems to like it.

By the way, how is your church doing? Is that controversy still going on? The last time you wrote me you said that many of the offended members were thinking about leaving. Is that new Sunday school teacher still causing a stir over the whole thing. I think it is a shame that so many of the other Sunday school teachers quit teaching because of going unnoticed during all of the controversy. Oh well, it is hard to settle these issues when so many members refuse to listen to the other side. But like you said, there are many people who will stay no matter what happens. They don't get involved. They just show up faithfully every Sunday. Wish you had more like that.

Well, in spite of the fact that my new church is so different from yours, please come and visit it sometime. You might find we have something in common, though I can't imagine what.

Your Nephew,

Hugh R. Lykus

If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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