Besides the many other dreams and aspiratins I had as a child, marrying a man that would love me and our children unconditionally was at the top of my list. After numerous attempts I thought that I had finally found the one that would complete my puzzle. I suppose that before I go on it would be nice if I explained a little about the men that have come into my life and left for their own respective reasons.
Man number one was caring, respectful, and every other beatiful emotion you could experience in someone I had in him. The only problem was that I was only 14 when we started dating. He was my first real boyfriend. After 2 years (not knowing what I know now) I decided to give myself to him intimately. As luck would have it I turned out pregnant! He wanted to marry me him being 19 at the time and me 16. I was not ready for that kind of commitment and I was deathly afraid of my parents discovering my secret. What happend after that will haunt me for the rest of my life. My whole world blew up in my face and I was certain that everything I ever knew to be my happiness was now completely over. My mother now hated me and my father was disappointed in me. They kept him from seeing me and only a few days passed and all I recall was that small office in which a cold-hearted nurse explained the full procedures of an abortion to me. What did I know then? I know now, though, that today my son would be 14 years old and how I wish that I could tell him I'm sorry for making the cruel decision to not allow him to grace this world with his presence. The pain is so great that I feel that since then all the misfortune that I have encounter with men is full deserved. I did not allow a human being in this world and who am I to have made that decsion?
Man number two was tall, handsome, romantic. He said all the right things and since I had made such a major mistake before I thought that this was the one and was going to hold on to him for dear life. Well, he turned out to be a liar, a cheater, a thief, and the man that would donate the sperm for my two daughters. I was left fully in debt with anyone you can think of in any state imaginable. He has done about 3 or 4 prison terms and I have consequently continued to raise our two girls alone (with the help of my parents of course). I love my girls and it is for them that I continue my education. I know that one day I will be done and I will hopefully have something better to offer them. I don't want them to grow up settling for mediocre.
Man number 3 is my current husband. He does as he pleases. I come second, third, or fourth in his life depending on how many people need him at the moment. He loses is temper at the drop of a pen and he has patience with everyone else but me. All in all I love him dearly. He has his good moments and I guess that is what keeps me hanging on. He has an addiction to alcohol and cocaine as did my former 'man'. I stood my ground with man number 2 but I feel as though I am weaker this time. Everytime I tell myself that I cannot live this way I end up finding reasons why I will. I am a very curious person. This sometimes has it's downfalls. Last night I noticed that his wallet was on the kitchen counter. I could not stand not to look through it so I began to look through it. I know that it is wrong but I justifiy myself using man number 2 as the reason why I cannot trust anyone. As soon as I was about to kick myself for looking through his wallet and only finding the same things he always carries, I noticed a small post-it note in one of the pockets. It had a number on it so I took the number to my computer and started a search. The result was a name of a female that was unfamiliar to me so I searced for the nearest relatives in our town based on the name and location. You see the last name had some relavence because not too long ago there had been rumors that he had been seeing one of his co-workers with the same last name. Sure enough. The lady turned out to be the mother of the girl who used to work at his workplace and the number was registered to her. I was hurt but not surprised. After all I deserve it don't I?
As I woke up this morning I could not think clearly and I new this was going to be a long cloudy day. I know God must be royally upset with me for what I have done in the past but will this ever stop? I know I musnt complain because what I did is unforgivable but I don't know how much more I can take. All this girl wants is what most women already have, a good life. I'm willing to work for it if someone up there would let me have just one more chance. I promise this time I won't waste it.
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Mandy, God loves you and the abortion you had was wrong. But not unforgivable. God nailed that sin to the cross with all the other horrible things that have been done by all people everywhere. Don't be too proud accept that forgiveness. Allow yourself to let God forgive you. You say you are looking for a man to love you? Well, I know one who loves you with His whole heart: Jesus. You can lay all your sin and sadness on Him. He cares very much for you.