Awakening I found myself alone in complete darkness. I was completely devoid of my senses. I couldn’t see anything, hear anything, taste, smell or feel a thing. I was totally lost in my own mind. I could not tell if my mind was detached from my body, or if my body was completely paralyzed.
I tried to scream out, but nothing came from my mouth, if I had a mouth. Or maybe I had emitted a blood-curdling scream, but just couldn’t hear it.
My mind played back memories of my life, over and over again. Every evil thought, every chance to do a good deed without doing it, and every horrible thing I did played over and over in my thoughts. I tried hard to refocus on things I wanted to think about; the beautiful sights I had seen, the beautiful women I had been with. But nothing, only the memories of wretched things of my life played in my head.
I had no control over my thoughts; nightmares invaded my dreams. Then flashes of memories washed over me. Memories of hearing about the Son of God; Jesus coming to earth to save my soul from hell; of my laughing in the faces of everyone who tried to tell me of Jesus and His love.
Every minute and every word of these moments played and replayed in my mind. I tried to scream to cover the noises in my head, but nothing helped. I pleaded for it all to stop, but my screams and pleas fell on deaf ears.
Things I once sought after were becoming nightmares in my mind. None of the things that once brought me joy and pleasure satisfied me now, for I could see their emptiness.
Suddenly, the nightmares turn to something even more horrifying. I could see that awful moment when I stood before God. He opened some books and read things from them. I agonized over every word departing His mouth. As He closed two of them, He opened a third, one He referred to as my book of life. From that one He spent a great deal of time. Showing me how I judged others, and how I didn’t live up to my own judgments and my own moral code.
I pleaded special circumstances for each and every violation of my own transgressions. Time and time again my words fell on unhearing ears. God continued to lay out my crimes before me and time and time I rebutted His accusations. But, my pleas were unheard.
As my mind replayed the scene over and over, I start to see where my pleas were but excuses. I had judged others in ways I was not willing to live. The nightmares of seeing God refused to leave my head. I screamed at Him “I don’t want to live in your presence.”
Those were my last words to Him. He wept a great tear and He said, “Depart from me and my presence.”