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Court of the Offended
by BOB KUHN
04/14/06
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{ THE FOLLOWING WAS FIRST PUBLISHED ON SUITE101.COM.}

The following is a court-television show to be aired sometime in the future.


The program opens in a modern courtroom setting. The camera pans the room revealing a crowded spectator area, a man standing behind a podium in the defendant's area, a woman standing behind a podium in the plaintiff's area, and a uniformed bailiff standing on the left side of an empty judge's bench. In the background, dramatic theatrical music is played, and the voice of an unseen announcer is heard.

Announcer: There are no actors, and there is no script. The charges are serious, and the verdict will be binding. You are about to witness a trial in The Court of the Offended.


The music fades out as the announcer's voice is reduced to a whisper.

Announcer: Today's case is Vemealone vs. Timized. The plaintiff, Ms. Lea Vemealone is suing Mr. Vic Timized for $20,000.00 worth of psychiatric treatment for depression. Ms. Vemealone alleges her depressed state is the result of continued religious harassment by the defendant. Presiding over today's trial is Judge Sue Demall.


The camera then focuses on the judge's bench as the bailiff begins to speak.

Bailiff: All rise for the Honorable Sue Demall


The judge enters the courtroom and takes her seat.

Bailiff: You may be seated.


The bailiff then turns to the judge, and hands her several documents while explaining the case. The camera zooms in on Judge Sue Demall as she begins to speak. (Note: For the remainder of the program, the scene shifts from person to person in order to maintain a close up of the individual who is speaking at the time.)

Judge Sue: So, Ms. Vemealone, you were harassed by Mr. Timized?

Lea: Yes, Your Honor. Vic and I work together at Price Marketing. I'm a data entry clerk and Vic is in Customer Service. Vic would often approach me and try to force his religious views upon me. He tried several times to get me to join his cult, or whatever it is.

Vic: Your Honor, I'm not a member of a cult. I belong to ---

Judge Sue: You just stop right there and shut your mouth. You are not going to proselytize in this courtroom. This is MY COURT, buddy boy, and don't you forget it. Keep the name of your religious group to yourself. --- OK Lea, you were telling me that tricky Vic over here was proselytizing at work. Go on ---

Lea: Well, as I was saying, Vic would come up to me out of nowhere and start a religious conversation. He would imply that I was going to hell because I was not a member of his cult. He would try to give me little papers with stuff about God on it mocking my beliefs. It got to the point that I hated to go to work. I finally had to seek counseling.

Judge Sue: There there. It will be OK. --- And what do you have to say for yourself Mr. Timized? Are you in the habit of harassing people about religion?

Vic: Actually, I think it has been a misunderstanding. I do talk about my faith to those who will listen, and I answer questions when asked, but I have never forced my faith on anyone.

Judge Sue: Why would Ms. Vemealone be so traumatized if it were as innocent as you make it sound?

Vic: I think Lea might be a little overly sensitive about those things.

Lea: There he goes again. Calling me names and making fun of me. How can you allow him to do that?

Judge Sue: Mr. Timized, you are to refrain from trying to humiliate Ms. Vemealone in this courtroom. IS THAT CLEAR?

Vic: Your Honor, I most definitely was not trying to offend anyone.

Lea: Sure Vic, then why were you always harassing me and being critical of my beliefs?

Vic: But I never did anything of the kind, Lea. All I ever said was ---

Judge Sue: HEY!!! You SHUT YOUR MOUTH! You direct your comments to me and leave that poor girl alone.

Vic: But she asked me ---

Judge Sue: What part of SHUT UP did you not HEAR? (pause) Now Lea, try to hold back those tears. Can you give me an example of Vic's harassments?

Lea: (sniffle sniffle) Sure Your Honor. One day Vic came up to me and invited me to one of his cult practices.

Vic: I was selling tickets to a spaghetti dinner for my ---

Judge Sue: HEY YOU!!! ONE MORE TIME AND YOU GO TO JAIL! Do not even TRY to mention the name of your cult in THIS COURT. (pause) Now Lea, please go on.

Lea: Well, when I said I wanted nothing to do with his weird religious group, he started harassing me at every opportunity. I was feeling ill one day and he tried to place some religious spell on me, to cure me, or something.

Judge Sue: Do you remember that incident, Mr. Timized?

Vic: I think she is referring to the time she sneezed and I said, "God bless you."

Judge Sue: Well, maybe she DOES NOT BELIEVE IN YOUR GOD. Did you ever think of that? How dare you assume that everyone must believe the way you do.

Vic: I really didn't mean anything by ---
Judge Sue: I think we all know what you meant. Now just shut up you religious fanatic and let Ms. Vemealone finish.

Lea: Thank you Judge. One day, I was feeling a little down. While sitting in the break room, Vic came in to get a cup of coffee. I told him I was depressed. Instead of just showing a little sympathy, Vic commanded me to respond to some spiritual dictate because of how his God feels. I was humiliated.

Judge Sue: That is horrible. What gave you the right to say something like that to the poor girl, Mr. Timized?

Vic: She said she was sad, so I said, "Smile. God loves you."

Judge Sue: Appalling! You arrogant jerk. As if you know whom God loves.

Vic: Well, Your Honor, I know that God loves everyone.

Judge Sue: YOU DO NOT KNOW! You are so arrogant. You think you know, but you do not know. I admit I do not know, because I am humble. Anyone who thinks they know is conceited and self-aggrandizing. I am not like that, Vic, because I admit I don't know. I know your type. You think you know everything.

Vic: That is not true Judge. There are many things I don't know.

Judge Sue: Don't tell me what you do and do not know, you pompous fool. --- Now, what else has he done, Lea?

Lea: Once, when we were at the cola machine, he asked me to change, and then handed me a piece of paper with something about God on it. I ran off crying.

Vic: Your Honor, I asked her for change, not to change. And the piece of paper I handed her was a dollar bill.

Lea: Yes, it was a dollar. But he handed it to me with the side that says IN GOD WE TRUST facing up. I knew what he was trying to say. Like the time he told me to turn or burn.

Judge Sue: Did you say that Mr. Timized?

Vic: When she told me she was going to lay on the beach for a few hours to try to get a suntan, I told her she should turn often or she might burn.

Lea: That is true. But once again, I knew what he was trying to say.

Judge Sue: I think we all know what your type is trying to say, Mr. Timized.

Vic: My type?

Judge Sue: Yes, your type. You are one of those FUNDA-MENTAL-CASES. You think you have all the answers. You are the type that thinks God should be involved in everyday life. What a distorted individual you are. I have heard enough. I find in favor of the Plaintiff. Mr. Timized is to pay Ms. Vemealone twenty thousand dollars for psychiatric fees.


Judge Sue strikes her gavel and walks off the bench. The scene shifts to a hallway outside of the courtroom. The announcer is seen holding a microphone with Vic standing on his right side and Lea standing on his left. The announcer turns to Lea.
Announcer: What is your impression of the verdict?

Lea: Justice was done. Maybe this will send a message to those know-it-all religious funda-mental-cases.


The announcer then turns to Vic.

Announcer: What about you?

Vic:I think it is one big misunderstanding. I never intended to hurt Lea, or anyone else. It is very unfair to make me pay for offending someone I never intended to offend. Not only that, but I have been offended myself. They implied that I am mentally ill. I was being called a funda-mental-case. It doesn't seem fair.

Announcer: You are one sick piece of work.


The announcer then turns to the camera.

Announcer: Well, there you have it. Sick Vic beaten by lovely Lea. Until next time, goodbye from Court of the Offended.


Dramatic theatrical music is played. Picture and music fade out together.


If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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