Colorful flowers blooming in the morning and sleeping at night
Maintains the beauty of its colors also in sun bright
Do we preserve our smile amidst tears that aren’t hidden from the World’s Light?
Trees bear fruit in their due season
And serves the purpose of their very existence on this earth
Do we bear physical and spiritual fruit to meet the purpose of our birth?
Turtles respond to the danger
And chuckles back into its shell
Do we change our paths when we hear the evil’s danger bell?
In the falling rain bowing its head to the Almighty
In a cool breeze dances the green fields
Do we even give a one liner praise to our Shepherd Lead?
When the land is desperate under the scorching heat
The sky sheds every drop of tear to try meeting its need
Does our mind shake when it listens to the heights of cruelty man reaches following evil deed?
(Contact me at email@example.com)
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__I greet you in the forever name of Christ, Joyce! These days I write, write, write my pieces until the day's end, but do I write to others? I'm trying to make it more routine, especially now that I'm getting more involved with other writers, both on and outside this site; but enough, I shall comment.__ "Obedience or Disobedience?" **Encore!: Parallelism: short and poignant contrast. This is how I would describe this work of wisdom. Perhaps you were reading Proverbs before writing--you and Solomon sound very similar. *Your title is excellent and very fitting, in fact, it's the most important thought in this work and without it your further words would make no sense.
No more!: ***Revise, you simply must! So much of your profundity was lost due to the fact that I had to try and figure it out for myself: "In the falling rain bowing...," no, "The falling rain bows..."; "...the heights of cruelty man reaches following evil deed(s)?"
**When writing parallelisms, what is being compared and contrast is more easily understood when the same key word is used. You prove you understand this in your second parallel, "Trees bear fruit...", "Do we bear...fruit..." but in none of the others do you do this and the parallels are harder to draw. *My last criticism regards your third parallel and your choice of the word "chuckles", I don't like it. It's off. I know what you're getting at, but none of the thesauruses I looked at suggest that "chuckles" could be used interchangeably with the idea of a turtle going back into its shell. How about, 'shimmy', 'retract', 'about-face', 'retire'?
__Sigh, I always have more criticisms--hope I didn't discouraged you--but we know they do sharpen our writing so I'll continue to scrutinize. You ask a simple question of us: do we obey God or not? Your personal insights have the reader pondering long after the last line, now if only you'd ponder your words before posting! Heh, but God will certainly work in spite of that. Thank you for imparting these words Joyce.__