“A long time ago in a far away land, there lived a beautiful princess, and she had beautiful clothes, and a beautiful castle and a beautiful…” The middle one started.
“That’s not how the story went.” The one on the right interrupted. “I heard she was ugly and evil.”
“How can a princess be evil? Don’t be stupid.” The one on the left stated. “Why am I even here?”
“Will you just let me tell the story?” The middle one said.
“Not if you’re going to say it wrong.” The one on the right retorted.
“I wasn’t saying it wrong. Why am I always wrong? Do you have some personal vendetta against me? Am I just some emotional basket-case?”
“Yes. DING! DING! DING! We have a winner.”
The one in the middle got bored of the incessant bickering and decided to sleep. The others started chasing each other around. They continued to argue day and night, on and on and on and on and on and on… and.. and.. (Yawn. I need some coffee. Gulp. That’s better.)
“Hey narrator. Focus will you? You’re not doing your job.” The one on the left said.
“Sorry about that. Are you guys done arguing?”
“Yeah we finished a couple days ago.”
“Well, keep talking for a couple more minutes.”
Good. So I guess you are wondering who these people are. They obviously aren’t your typical bunch of main characters. In fact, they’re special. No not in the bumbling idiot saves the day type of special. These three have had some traumatic pasts and now they have come together for this one moment in history. They have joined their super powers together in a cosmic battle between good and evil. They are going to save the world. (HAHAHA. I can’t keep it in any longer. Did I fool you? They really are bumbling idiots.)
“Hey we heard that.” The middle one exclaimed.
“We’re going to hire another narrator and fire you for harassment.” The one on the left stated. “Where’s my lawyer?”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I promise I won’t do it again.” The narrator said.
“Why do narrator’s think we can’t here them?”
The middle one said. “It’s not like we have any feelings? It’s just that… It’s just that…” The middle one starts crying.
“Will you shut up, crybaby.” The one on the right yelled.
“I’m not a crybaby.” The middle one sniffled.
“Yes, you are.” Both exclaimed. They started arguing again.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Since I’m the narrator, I guess I’m obligated to tell you who they are.
The one in the middle is Moab. Moab is a young cobra that was abandoned as a baby. Now this happens to all snakes but Moab took it personally. He became very emotional and was forced to go to the local snake psychologist for help. He remembers spending lots of time in the big red chair telling the nice doctor all of his stories. His best friend is Uzar though how they became friends nobody really knows. My personal view is that crazy people seem to just gather together caused by some cosmic force in the universe that nobody can really see.
The one on the right is Uzar. Uzar is your average person going through a mid-life crisis. He has only two exceptions. One, he is a mongoose. Two, he used to be a world-renowned evil villain who was always thwarted by Secret Agent E. Early in his life, he excelled in college and was first in his class. We was heralded as the smartest evil villain of the century. He was invited to lectures and seminars that focused on evil. If anybody had changed the balance of good and evil, it would have been him. However, the number of failed attempts and the traumatizing experiences just finally got to him. One day he went crazy and retired from the evil business. He was forced into rehab and he joined Evil Super Villains Anonymous; a program designed to help previous villains fit in with the rest of the world.
The one on the left is Abigail. Abigail really doesn’t fit with the group. There’s a rumor going around that she was cursed forever to stay with some imbeciles but nobody knows if that’s true. One thing is for sure, she can’t leave Uzar and Moab for some reason and she is compelled to follow them wherever they go. She is a beautiful elf who is a young adult in elf years. She’s over 400 but don’t tell anyone, she’s very sensitive about her age. The last person to question her about it was never seen from again and the files are top-secret information. She hates getting dirty and she turns into a raging monster when she does. She is the smartest of the three and has assumed the leadership role is hers for the taking.
Let’s get back to their conversation.
“What should we eat? I’m starving.” Abigail said as her stomach grumbled.
“We can eat pizza. Cheese, pepperoni and sausage.” Uzar said, his mouth salivating.
“We don’t have that at the house. Uhhh; I know.” She said. “We could have crumpets and tea cause that’s all we have.”
“Somebody forgot to go to the market.” Moab teased.
“I would have but for some reason my assets were all frozen again.” Uzar explained. “I don’t know why they keep doing that. I’ve got to go have a word with them and see if we can straighten all this out. Let’s go back to the house and eat crumpets and tea.”
“Wait.” The narrator said. “Where are you guys going? I’m supposed to tell your story and you’re leaving? You can’t leave me here. I was contracted by you’re agents.”
“We don’t have agents.” Abigail said.
“You don’t? Let me find the copy of the contract.” The narrator pulls out a briefcase, opens it and digs through it. “Aha here’s the papers. It says right here in the fine print, ‘THAT I the narrator PROMISE TO GIVE ALL MY BELONGINS TO THESE TWO GUYS THAT I DON’T KNOW.’” Silence slips in for a second and then it finally dawns on the narrator. “Stupid. Why do I even exist?” Uzar and Moab fell down laughing hysterically.
“We are going back to the house. You are welcome to join us. But we better leave now because the owner of the house we’re sitting on is about to come up here and kick us off.”
“Wait, this isn’t your house? I was wondering why you were on the roof.”
“Yeah the idiots followed a butterfly up here. They climbed up here with some bread but the butterfly flew away. So I followed them up here. Then they started arguing and chasing bugs around and then you came along.”
“So since I lost all my stuff, do you mind if I interview you and the others. Maybe I could sell your story and make some money and share it with you guys.”
“Sure, why not. I have nothing else to do.”
“Well let’s talk about you first as we walk to your house and then I’ll get to the other’s after lunch.”
“Sounds good to me. Hey doofus 1 and doofus 2, we’re leaving.” Uzar and Moab eventually regained composure and got up. They discussed some more about who’s going to go to the market and Abigail needed some make-up. They decided that tomorrow would be errand day and decided to take the rest of the day off.
They got off the roof in their typical fashion. Abigail climbed down while Uzar jumped and Moab slithered down the drainpipe. As we walked along Abigail told me her story.
“That Uzar thinks he’s so smart. I’m on to you. You better not be doing anything to compromise the agreement.” The figure sat in the bushes, watching patiently. He never liked Uzar. In fact, he hated everything he did.
He had been sitting here for days watching them. He had decided to use the Bush Hide-a-way; a local product you could find at any hunting store. It was very versatile, spacious and it came with a portable bathroom. It came with some food but he had eaten all of it quickly. He had eaten the local animals for food for the rest of the time. The emergency survival class came in handy after all.
“Why are you with this group? What’s so special about them? Huh, Uzar. You make me sick.”
He watched Uzar chase the snake around the roof. “He acts like an idiot. I’m on to you Uzar. I know you’re playing dumb. I know you’re waiting patiently. You always liked to wait.”
He thought of the orders from headquarters so long ago.
THESE ARE THE INSTURCTIONS FOR YOUR NEXT ASSIGNMENT.
YOU ARE TO FOLLOW UZAR, THE SUPER VILLAIN.
DON’T LET HIM BREAK THE AGREEMENT.
IF HE DOES, DO NOT LET HIM ESCAPE AND IF NECESSARY TAKE HIM OUT.
REMAIN UNNOTICED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
“Well let’s talk about you first as we walk to your house and then I’ll get to the other’s after lunch.” said the narrator.
He looks up and sees that the four are getting ready to leave. He better get to the tree by the house before they see him. He can’t risk blowing cover.