I know that as a fourteen year old Christian there must have been changes from my style and from my principles. But I found out that though there is a little changes, my life was still hooked up to what is my past and acquiring worsiest things that I have never done before. I know that being a Christian I have this faith that never goes away from me. But I cannot help myself not to worry too much or to lose hope on something when times of difficulties struck in. I know what to do but there are things that hinders me not do it right, it always lead me to nowhere... it always made me lost myself.. to go into a different direction, away from God wanted me to go.
Finding myself to nowhere, going to nowhere and thinking that I am all by myself and was lost... and helpless, trapped on such situation I started to whine like a child. I always did. I am always scared to fight, I am coward. I easily gave up. Thinking that stopping to move on could stop everything; the hardships, the struggling and being helpless. But always in time God disciplined me, He always showed me the way. He always reached out to me but I did not try find out because I am all distracted that I am forever helpless and alone.
I know that my spring and fall always taught me something new and always wanted me to restore back to God. To have more faith and to put my hope completely to Him and to make me strong. Just as my mentor told, suffering is for a short while.... and suffering always starts in the family of God.
I am bit ashamed of myself for giving in too much for my own struggles and for being faithless, but I am thankful that God did not left me. I thanked Him for I always woke up in the morning, for the blessings I have recieved from Him, for the privilege He has given me and even for the struggles that I have because without struggles, I would never find myself; my strength and my weaknesses. It makes me blind thinking that I am okay and there is nothing to change, but knowing myself, I found out that there should be a big changes for me.
Lately I am happy for the blessings I have. And much happier because I felt being restored back. I felt like standing up again and ready to move on. I know the road I'm travelling on sometimes leads me in different way and it seemed infinite but it will end once I completed what God has planned for me. I will fight the good fight of faith and if I fall, I will rise again and reach out to Him. God is the strength of my heart though many times I failed Him. I know that He cares for me and that His love remains in me.