Hire
Writers
Editors
Home Tour About Read What's New Help Join Faith
Writers
Forum
My Account Login
Shop
Save
Support
Book
Store
Learn
About
Jesus
  

Get Our Daily Devotional             Win A Publishing Package             Detailed Navigation

The HOME for Christian writers! The Home for Christian Writers!



 
Humor PLEASE ENCOURAGE THE AUTHOR BY COMMENTING

  LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE   SEND A PRIVATE MESSAGE
  HIRE THIS WRITER
REPORT ARTICLE

 TRACK THIS AUTHOR ADD TO MY FAVORITES
corner
What's New
 
corner
 
FOR FUN Mob IRS Audit
by David Ian
03/22/06
For Sale
Author requests article critique


  Mail
 





The Mob & The IRS

CHARACTERS:

STAN SORENSON Auditor for the IRS; nervous and mousy.
ROCKO MARCONI Mob boss typical archetype; used to getting his way
LENNY Mob Lieutenant typical archetype; a yes man’s yes man
DONATELLO Mob Enforcer archetype; just looking at him is dangerous


STAN:
Thank you for coming Mr. Marconi, I’m Stan Sorenson deputy assistant auditor for the IRS. Please take a seat, Mr. Marconi.

ROCKO:
Call me Rocko (obvious mob voice)

STAN:
Very well, Mr. uh, Rocko. Ummm. The nature of this meeting is just an informal interview today, you needn’t bring an accountant or a lawyer

ROCKO:
So who’s bringing? This is Lenny my Lieutenant and Donatello my enforcer. He fancies himself as some kind of “artiste”.

(SFX: sound of cracking knuckles)

ROCKO: Don’t ask. You don’t wanna know.

STAN:
Ah, well, very good Mr. Marconi—

ROCKO:
Didn’t I tell him to call me Rocko?

LENNY:
Yeah, Boss

ROCKO:
I open my heart to ya, show you my bottom line, my accounts, my exposed underbelly, things not even my family get to see. Does my family get to see these returns?

LENNY:
No Boss.

ROCKO:
No. So call me Rocko, eh? Or I’ll have to be assuming you don’t respect my “intimations”, you know what I mean?

STAN:
All right, Mr. Rocko. As a matter of fact, it is about your income tax return that I wanted to speak with you about…

ROCKO:
Ehhhh? Did I miss a line item? Did that accountant of mine skim anything off the top? Donatello--!

DONATELLO:
You want me to pay the little twerp a visit, boss? Make sure he can’t handle a pencil no more?

STAN:
NO! NO! There’s nothing like that! It’s just this uh, disclosure I want to talk to you about—

ROCKO:
Hey! I’m a man of my word! Rocko discloses, Rocko puts his name to it. I signed this, Didn’t I Lenny?

LENNY:
Yeah Boss.

ROCKO:
I signed it fair an’ straight up. Rocko’s signature is good. In fact, Rocko’s signature is good at any casino in Vegas, huh?

STAN:
Yes, Mr. Rocko—

ROCKO:
Line of credit, no questions asked, ain’t that right, Lenny.

LENNY:
Line of credit, boss. Any casino.

STAN:
Well—let me go down through your earned income cited here. You list an astounding amount under wages, tips & income directly related to drug sales, trafficking, prostitution, gun running, protection, numbers rackets, sports events fixing—

ROCKO:
What’s the fuss? I’m an entrepreneur. I got uh, got uh, what’s that called, Donatello?

DONATELLO:
Diversification, Boss.

ROCKO:
Yeah, I got “Diversification”. Can’t put all yer grapes in one wine press, you know what I mean….

STAN:
Well, that’s a fine financial strategy for certain, Mr. Rocko, but these are all crimes you’ve listed here…

ROCKO:
What? You wanna talk morality to Rocko? Hey, Lenny, get this – A lawyer from the IRS wants to give me a “Morality Talk.”

LENNY: (dumb laugh)
Heh, heh, good one, boss.

STAN:
Personally, Mr. Rocko, I’m not passing judgment, rest assured of that. It’s just—

ROCKO:
Hey, look. I got a Schedule B for each one of these enterprises. Detailed income flow, and even color tabbed ‘em so yous can follow the money laundering. See? Extortion money from politicians on appendix F referenced to front companies on the docks here in my subsidiary holdings. It’s all accounted for—

STAN:
Yes, but it’s not legal, Mr. Rocko. What’s more, you’ve itemized each and every criminal activity -- they’re meticulously documented, I mean what’s this? An attachment listing pimps as subcontractors? Itemization of kinds and quantities for “drug clients” —

ROCKO:
Ehhhhhh! Someone buys drugs from me, they get a receipt. Someone wants to get some heisted guns, they give me a Purchase Order—

STAN:
Mr. Rocko, there’s crimes listed here that could add up to at least five thousand years worth of jail time and you want to put things like arson and black mail here on a government document like a tax form?

ROCKO:
Hey, Lenny, get this. The bowtie here from the IRS is worried about Rocko doin’ time.

LENNY: (dumb laugh)
Heh, heh. Good one, boss.

STAN:
I’m only supposed to audit your taxes, Mr. Rocko, not make any recommendations, but with a return like this, I’d have no option but to turn it over to the Federal authorities. I mean, look at this, you list car bomb materials as a business expense. You have mileage for dead body removal for heaven’s sake--

ROCKO:
HEY! Just do yer job. Is there anything wrong with my tax return in how it’s prepared or presented?

STAN:
Apart from the blatant listing of felonies for sources of income and employing crime associates like Benny “The Torch” Giovanni…well, no, nothing’s technically wrong… it’s an immaculate return, actually.

ROCKO:
“Immaculate” Donatello. Da paper pusher says it’s “immaculate”.

DONATELLO:
“Immaculate” boss.

ROCKO:
Let me break this down for ya—

STAN:
--Ow! Uh, does Lenny have to put his hand on my shoulder?

ROCKO:
--He likes you…

STAN:
--it’s kind of heavy--

ROCKO:
-- Like I was saying…back in the good old days--

STAN:
--it’s really heavy in fact—

ROCKO:
I get the feeling you’re not listening—

STAN:
--Uh, sorry.

ROCKO:
Do you want Donatello to be putting his hands on ya? It ain’t pretty.

(SFX: Sound of cracking knuckles)

STAN: (sudden)
NO! No! No need. Uh, I’m all attention, now. (nervous laugh) Nice Lenny….

ROCKO:
Wise choice bow tie. All right, like I was sayin’. What was I sayin’?

DONATELLO:
Good ol’ days, boss.

ROCKO:
Right. Back in the good ol’ days, Mr. Alphonse Capone, God rest his soul, he’s a sort of a uh, uh, Lenny , what am I lookin’ for, here?

LENNY:
Role model, Boss.

ROCKO:
A role model, yeah that’s it. The big Alphonse did what he wanted, when he wanted. I’ve patterned my life after him. He did everything you listed on that tax return, drug sales, trafficking, prostitution, gun running, protection, numbers rackets, sports events fixing, bootlegging, karaoke—

LENNY:
Not karaoke, boss.

ROCKO:
Eh? What’s that?

LENNY:
Capone didn’t do any karaoke, boss.

ROCKO:
No? Well, he liked opera, I’ll tell you that much. Same difference.

LENNY:
Right, boss.

ROCKO:
The point is, the cops, judges, prosecutors, District Attorneys, the Feds, G-Men, the ATF, no one could touch him. You know who finally — you sure he didn’t do karaoke?

LENNY:
Real sure, boss.

ROCKO:
You know who finally brought him down, pencil neck?

STAN: (pause)
uhhh….

DONATELLO:
Da boss is askin’ ya a question

STAN: (nervous)
Um, um, no?

ROCKO:
Suits from the IRS, that’s who. Little pencil-necked four-eyed paper pushers like you what never seen a gun in their miserable lives. Now, Law Enforcement, Justice, Government Agents, I kin’ take care of them all, no problem. But the IRS? They the ones what shipped off the big Alphonse to Alcatraz. Whoah, now they mean business, an’ I respect ‘em. Lenny. Get our IRS friend here a drink. What’ll ya have?

STAN: (extremely nervous)
I’m uh, not allowed to drink during working hours.

ROCKO:
Ehhhh, what?. Again with refusing the hospitality. We’re family here. So who’s gonna tell? You want burboun? Lenny’ll make a run for ya—

STAN:
No, I’m, I’m fine, really. It’s just that….

ROCKO: (menacingly)
Now what?

(SFX: Cracking of knuckles)

STAN:
You—You’re— (nervousness is gone) You’re showing too much of a profit in your drug sales—

ROCKO:
Eh?

STAN: (very assured and business like)
Look at your coke sheet. Each time you cut the snow you should take a deduction in labor for cost of goods—

ROCKO:
Ah.

STAN: (as a reproach)
And I don’t see any expense for smuggling the stuff in, that comes out of your pocket upfront. Uncle Sam should foot the bill for it, not you – what were you thinking?

ROCKO:
Oh. Sorry.

STAN:
Lenny, Donatello, you guys look at this, too.

(Lenny & Donatello with Rocko start grunting in understanding and agreement)

STAN:
We’re talking fuel for airdrops, shipping freight container costs, not to mention harbormaster bribes…. (begin to fade out or cut quick to something else)














If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

Read more articles by David Ian or search for articles on the same topic or others.


Read More - Free Reprints, Main Site Articles, Most Read Articles or highly acclaimed Challenge Articles. Read Great New Release Christian Books for FREE in our Free Reads for Reviews Program. Christian writers can JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and help spread the Gospel.


The opinions expressed by authors do not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.

Hire a Christian Writer, Christian Writer Wanted, Christian Writer Needed, Christian Content Needed
Find a Christian Editor, Hire a Christian Editor, Christian Editor, Find a Christian Writer
 
corner
Corner
This article has been read 638 times     < Previous | Next >


Member Comments
Member Date
Amy Michelle Wiley  22 Mar 2006
Heh heh heh, bet you had fun writing that one! LOL




TRUST JESUS TODAY









Free Audio Bible
500 Plus Languages
Faith Comes By Hearing.com