This rope can't get any tighter (believe me I'v tried). At night I pull & pull on this chord, this heart-string trying to cause a wake up call... or a heart attack either one is fine by me. How much longer can I possibly keep on running from this? Depression hits the floor & I run... I probably shouldn't have run with my eyes closed for all these years, but for now I find myself stuck in this valley with burning ashes melting through me. Causing me to have to face this demon living in me called me.... causing me to have to face this memory of a wrong turn.
What do you see in me? What makes you keep on bleeding for me? Why do you cover me with peace? This gun is loaded but the tigger feels so heavy tonight.... You watch in tears as I sleep with my guilt that slowly sings me to death. I'm so tired of this... of being here surpressed by all my childish fears... "please... someone... anyone.... help me... hold me because I'm too scared to die alone...."
I have been reading your articles lately, and have perceived that your writings sometimes speak of death and depression. They also seem to come from deep pain and despair. I have PM'd you but I haven't heard back from you...perhaps you don't have PM service. Please PM me by clicking on my name to let me know you are ok. Jo
Feel your pain Kyle. Been there. I foolishly snuffed out my own light. Some people take prozac. Me, I just kept waiting for the truth. And believe me it's out there. It took me 15 years for words and thoughts to trigger something real inside me. You can be whole and complete and better (not the same) than before. You have to work. Accept the fact that wallowing in shame is self indulgent and wrong. Get up, go through the motions of a feeling person, till it becomes real again. It well. Have faith.