I guess I really don't have alot to say. I've been thinking all week of all the things I've wanted to tell you. But now that I'm here at this place the words have seemed to lose all meaning & understanding. I can't say that it's been easy without you, I can't say that I've become who you dreamed I would have become. I'm not sure what you were really like, I guess we were both scared to open up to each other. I knew that you didn't mean the things that happen, I know that you loved your family with all your heart. I know you wanted to believe in God and all that follows. But I guess it just wasn't for you. Their were so many things I wanted to say... So many memories I wanted to talk about but I'm sure you remember them all too. It's hard for to express how I truly feel at times to you. I remember the day you came home for good; I was so mad at you. To be honest I hated you at the time. You wrote me a letter expressing your heart but I couldn't understand with all the hate that filled my heart. You sat outside all day... why? Were you scared of me? I wouldn't think so. When you looked at me did all the your shame rush forward? I understand the feeling now. I've had to deal with shame many times, and I will probably have to deal with for years to come. When I do think of you the one memory that floods to memory is the day of your funeral. Not to great of a memory huh? But I realized something that day; as I sat in the front row and I looked around and noticed all the people who had came to show their love for you. Dad I never realized how many people loved you... and I guess you never realized it either. You were liked and loved by so many people; they told stories about the crazy stuff you had done. And about your life and some of the things you overcame. I wish I had known that part of you before you passed away. I would handwrite this but I don't think I would be able to make it all the way through. I hope you've found the peace you were searching for. I hope that comfort has overwhelmed you. Well.... I guess this is long enough. I hope I didn't take to much of your time. I've talked alot about you in past tense... but I'm been wrong about that. You're in me; everytime I look in the mirror it's has though I'm staring right at you. It's taken me over 4 years to come to the understanding of this, and I'm still working on accepting this but at least at times when I'm alone & down the most. I can look up into that mirror and hopefully I'll see you smiling back at me. I love you & I always did... I just had to learn to get over myself.