Modern Day Noah
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One day a fellow named Noah was kind of hanging out. Not bothering anybody just sitting around watching CNN. In the past he had been bad to lay out drunk but had recently started going to AA meetings in town and was doing pretty good with his rehab. He had fallen off the wagon a time or two but nothing serious. Like when the Braves lost out in the first round of the playoffs and when all his camels had come down with the pink eye. But other than these brief indiscretions he had remained relatively sober. But this reputation for enjoying the spirits did call his credibility into question now and then.
He was sitting there in the shade of his beach umbrella with remote in hand when the Lord God himself dropped by that day. He had a plan he wanted to instruct ole Noah about and was glad he had caught him sober. After watching all the folks he had created and all the bad stuff they were sitting around thinking up to do he had decided he had seen enough. They were his creation but he couldn’t remember why. But he liked Noah and since his only vice was relatively harmless he had picked him out of the crowd.
Up till now he [God], had watered the earth from ground level. But now he decided that since all these idiots had chosen to ignore the Southern Baptist Convention’s mandate’s about morality and scriptural interpretation he was going to have a house cleaning and start over. The best way he could think of to do this was to wash it off and then let it dry in the sun. But there remained the matter of all those animals he had created. They hadn’t done anything wrong and would have been a victim of circumstance if preventive measures were not taken. So having considered all this and being somewhat impressed with Noah and his family, he decided he would still go through with his plan but he was going to need somebody to build a boat.
Since God knows all and can do all he drew up his own blueprint. He presented it to Noah with the instructions to get 2 of every kind of animal there was and take them with him. Figuring it was obvious but not leaving anything to chance God had to specify male and female. Noah didn’t really seem to be offended by this so all was well. While the blueprint was pretty clear-cut and specific, the how to do and construction details were left up to Noah’s discretion.
He figured this mandate from the almighty pretty much exempted him from all the building codes and zoning ordinances so he skipped this part and set out to acquire all the tools he would need to pull this off. First off he knew he was going to need a lot of timber so he went and bought a bunch of chain saws from Home Depot. The skidder and loader came from the local John Deere dealership. He was going to need some way to get these logs from the woods to the building site so he stopped by the Ford dealership and picked up 3 trucks and log trailers. He got all the chains and cables from the local hardware store and paid for all his purchases with his Visa. Being privy to inside information he knew if he could make minimum payments and put off his creditors for 100 years or so it would all be irrelevant. Resulting in Chase Manhattan Bank ultimately paying for the whole thing. Unwitting participants in divine providence but without benefit of the public relations press they would have otherwise received. By the time these revelations would come to light there would be no one left in the viewing audience to be impressed.
Then he had to go to the department of motor vehicles and get a CDL for all of his three sons since they would be driving the log trucks. He went by the unemployment office and picked up a few skilled carpenters but had to pay them in cash so they could continue receiving their unemployment. His logging crew was the roughest of the lot. Most Monday mornings they could be found in the county jail. They were arrested most every weekend for public drunkenness or DUI. It became such a frequent occurrence that the jailers and deputies finally quit calling Noah on Saturday and Sunday nights. Just letting him go on all the bonds at one time every Monday morning. With holding all that court ordered child support got to be a real headache too before the project was completed. But then, just like the credit card, once it was complete none of this would matter.
All these animals would have to be feed and the stalls cleaned every morning so he had to have hay equipment and a front-end loader. With an eye for economy and realizing the efficiency of a multi functional tractor he bought one big enough to pull all the hay equipment and mounted a loader on the front of it. Manual front wheel drive was optional but he figured it would come in handy in those tight spaces.
The Lord had neglected to take into consideration the trials and tribulations associated with labor unions. Lengthy delays became a problem when the carpenters had to wait for the electricians to install outlets. The electricians had to wait for the plumbers to complete the sanitary facilities that had to comply with HUD standards. On and on it went. After 75 years of this Noah finally had enough and fired the entire crew. Settling out of court on the breach of contract suit filed by the union’s attorney. Replacing them with the winos and druggies from the street corner. They all had the skills and know how plus the added benefit of a sob story to listen to on lunch breaks. But now he was getting somewhere.
Credibility was an issue for a few years when Noah’s sons would have friends over. A source of embarrassment for these youngsters since water had never before fallen from the sky but here was their dad building a boat. And that seemed to be his only job. Who paid him? How did he pay all those folks helping him? The sons didn’t want to talk about it so they would casually pass it off with the explanation that he, their father, was in therapy. Creating a story about him going for counseling twice a week.
Noah kept preaching and telling them on his weekly radio broadcast that it was all going to end and they needed to repent and get on the boat before it was too late. But the longer it went on the less folks paid attention to him. Finally one day it was all done and he set about trapping animals. He thought about hiring that weird fellow on the Animal Planet but decided against it when he realized how preposterous it sounded. That and he didn’t really want any more negative publicity. But to his amazement all that became unnecessary when the animals arrived on they’re own and marched inside. He and his wife, who had spent the last 125 years canning vegetables and preserves for the trip, all three sons and their wives gathered inside. The Lord shut the door and immediately thereafter it started to coming up a bad cloud. All of a sudden water started falling from the sky and Noah was looking smarter by the minute. But it was too late. He’d been telling them for all these years this was going to happen. Even though he tried to open the door cause he was, by nature too soft hearted, God had sealed it shut.
And it rained and rained and rained. Forty days and forty nights. The Weather Channel tried to cover it but all their correspondents were washed away. Plus the rain kept interfering with the satellite signals. But they rode it out and waited for it to stop. Mrs. Noah had brought along some board games and a deck of cards so they played Monopoly and poker. Finally it stopped and as they waited for evaporation to do its thing boredom began to set in. One can only ride the horse and rope the cow so many times before that gets old. Where was the cow going to go anyway? It wasn’t like they had a pasture to roam around in. Bull riding with only one bull available soon lost its appeal. The monkeys were no longer cute and nobody really likes cats anyway.
Then one day the bird came back with an olive branch and they knew it was just a matter of time before they could park it and get off. Starting a new life with meaning of the word seclusion taking on a whole new significance.
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Dear Tim, I really liked your story of modern day Noah! I am going to read it to my husband! He likes me to read him things off faithwriters, and this is a great writing! Very humorous and written well. Keep sharing brother!! Also, how very interesting to be a peanut and cotton farmer. I love both products; have my peanut butter on toast every single morning! God bless you!! Jacque
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