O Father God,
I come to you,
like so many mothers before
grief struck,
aching,
in pain.
You know how it works,
our babies grow into adults
and our hearts begin to break.
Watching the transformation
has been such a painful thing,
as my child shot up,
like a reed, a weed,
from curious, open, clever child,
tow haired and bright eyed,
to sullen adult
who has done everything just right
to be unhappy,
sad,
miserable,
looking everywhere but where he should
to fill that gap in his heart.
Remembering my youth
so long ago,
when it was my turn to be the sullen child,
no doubt the cause of my mother's anxieties,
a burden to her heart,
I have hopes
he will choose the light.
I fear,
like so many mothers before me
that he will not last long enough to reach that point
where his heart opens up,
I fear,
like so many mothers before me
that he will get caught in the snares of his own hand,
and stumble into that night forever.
My golden haired boy,
I weep for you,
not in anger
for the little wrongs you have done,
the small thefts,
the stupid decisions,
the drinking,
the lies,
but for the small child who stole my heart
so long ago,
motherless and so in need,
little boy lost
who I will never see again,
child of promise that I could not protect,
could not truly heal,
must needs let go
to find his own path,
his own way,
even as watching
pierces my heart with its own sword,
the fate of mothers.
O Father,
I come to you with my burdened heart,
my fears,
my griefs,
for I know you understand.
Like David weeping for Absalom,
I kneel on the ground,
keening,
heart breaking for love,
for evil I cannot prevent,
for choices not mine to make.
I pray not just for myself, Lord,
but for all of us:
all the mothers,
and all the fathers, too,
watching helpless and in grief
while their children suffer
from these self-inflicted wounds,
and each and every one of our children.
O Lord,
Hold these children in your hands,
send your angels to watch over their steps,
and in the end,
may they find their way to you.
In the name of Jesus our hope and our salvation,
Amen.
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