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A Curious Christmas Conspiracy To Contemplate
by James Snyder
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In light of the controversies swirling around the Christmas holiday, I have yet to see anybody raise a suspicious eyebrow toward one particular aspect of the Christmas season. Year after year, this significant part of a holiday celebration continues without one voice raised in opposition. I’m beginning to think there is a conspiracy here somewhere.

My reference, of course, is none other than good old, jolly Santa Claus. He goes by a variety of names, which in and of itself is rather suspicious. He is Father Christmas, St. Nicholas, Kris Kringle and a variety of other descriptive names, which leads me to believe he has some secret to hide.

What do we really know about this person?

I’ve done a little investigating and found some disturbing things regarding this person.

According to some of the evidence I have found, this person known as Santa Claus is coming to town. Now this is a rather interesting aspect of this person’s traveling itinerary. Why is he coming to town and not to the country? Or, for that matter, the city?

As I see it, this is rather prejudicial on his part to favor one part of the population over another. I can understand why he would be reluctant to come to the city, what with all the traffic and noise. But I see no reason for him not to want to come out to the country. Perhaps, and I’m just guessing, he does not like fresh air.

Another disturbing fact about this notorious person is that he is “making a list and checking it twice.” I want to know where he gets his information to compile his list. If he avoids the city and the country and concentrates only on towns, where is he getting all the names for his list? Does he check it twice to make sure all the names have a town address to it?

The purpose of this list is a little dubious. According to my sources, Santa Claus wants to know who’s “naughty and nice.” For the life of me, I don’t know anybody who’s both naughty and nice. Either a person is naughty, or nice, but never both. It seems to me this is a clever way of dramatically paring down his list.

In addition, this suspicious person somehow has a way of seeing “when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake.” How does he do this? Furthermore, does the CIA have any suspicion that this character is involved in semi-legal activity? Does this violate our first amendment rights?

I’m not so sure I’m comfortable with somebody such as this North Pole Elf spying on people, especially children. I’m sure there must be a law against this somewhere.

Probably the most disturbing part of my findings concerning this person of interest is the fact that he “knows if you’ve been bad or good.” How he determines what is bad and what is good did not surface in my investigation of this matter. What did bother me is that this person can determine who is bad or good but does nothing to intervene and help the bad person. I would think with this knowledge should come some personal responsibility on his part. Yet, nowhere in my research did I discover that he has employed any intervention program for thOse he knows are bad.

I uncovered many other disturbing factors. This visitor from the North Pole only works one night a year. The fact that he chooses the hours of darkness to work is most upsetting to me.

Nighttime, as we all know, is not the time a person should be out and about. Nighttime is when everybody should be warmly snuggled in their bed, dreaming of sugarplums. He is setting a bad example for our children.

Perhaps working only one night out of the year explains his obese appearance. If he would get out and work, like the rest of us, maybe he wouldn’t have such a weight problem. Moreover, his diet, from what I could figure, is milk and cookies.

Please n a grown man eating nothing but milk and cookies. Have you ever heard anything more tragic? This is not setting a very good example for the children of our country. Perhaps Mr. Santa Claus needs to spend some time with Martha Stewart and learn what real food is all about.

His mode of travel was another aspect of my research that did not please me. Accordingly, he flies through the air on a sleigh drawn by eight tiny reindeer. Does he have a valid license to operate such a vehicle? And if he does, where does someone get such a license?

I think of those eight tiny reindeer. Where in the world are the animal rights activists when this man, who is overweight and carrying a sleigh full of enough toys for all the boys and girls in every town, is obviously abusing these reindeer. What backup plan does Mr. Claus have if Donner pulls a hamstring on the night of travel?

After my research, I pondered one penetrating question; is this someone we want invading our premises at dead of night? I think not.

In stark contrast to this is a wonderful verse in the Bible. “But when the fullness of the time was come, God sent forth his Son, made of a woman, made under the law, To redeem them that were under the law, that we might receive the adoption of sons.” (Galatians 4:4-5 KJV.)

Jesus should be a welcome guest anytime of day or night.

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Member Comments
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samuel saalwaechter  23 Dec 2005
You forgot to menshion The Child who saw his or her momma kissing Santa Clause underneath the Mistletoe last night. The bible says: "let every man have his own wife." 1st Corinthians 7. A nice piece. Thanks for sharing.


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